Life's Not Fair: My Personal Pity Party

Other possible titles for this post include:

"Gee, I'm glad you noticed my hard work!"

and "Complete Identity Crisis"

Current Mantra

Sorry I've disappeared for awhile...The truth is, I'm in the midst of something of an identity crisis.  Let me explain:  I haven't made it a secret on the blog that this has been a challenging year for me at school.  I love my class and love teaching, but due to a number of factors, the pressure at my school this year has been...well...overwhelming.  See, my school had some big changes happen this year.  We got a new principal, new assistant principal, a whole bunch of new teachers and support staff, and a ton of new expectations and policies.  The goal was to get our low-performing school straightened out and in shape.  It was a change that needed to happen, and so many good structural things came out of it.  But has been a LOT of change to digest, and the atmosphere has been a bit...intense.

I have followed every direction and embraced every change.  No more classroom recess breaks?  No problem.  Running records and notes during guided reading?  Okay, I can get on board with that.  Fountas & Pinnell test all of my kiddos at the beginning of the year?  Happy to.  Additional minutes to the literacy block?  Okay.  Zero down time for fun?  No big deal, I'll make our lessons "fun."  Serve on the PBIS team?  Sure.  Run intervention groups of the lowest kids in the grade?  With a smile.  Help with the science fair?  Love to.  Jump?  Just tell me how high.  You get the idea.  I've done it all with a smile on my face and with only minimal venting to close friends at work.  And I've basically felt that all year I've been working as hard as I possibly can, not only with little recognition, but with the constant feeling that it is NEVER enough.  Yeah, it's been rough.

Well, after three years at my school, I found out last Friday that in exchange for the insane effort I've put in this year, I'm losing my job for next year.  Awesome.  See, our enrollment is going down due to some boundary changes, and multiple classroom teaching positions are being eliminated, so last week myself and two other teachers who have also taught in our building for three years were told that, "it's not about performance and you didn't do anything wrong, but we're not renewing your contract."  As a nontenured teacher, this kind of thing happens.  Buuut did I mention that we have 3 or 4 teachers in the building in their first year in the district?  You might think that they would be the ones to be cut first...but unfortunately for me, that's not the case.  See, it happens that the three of us that were let go were the only three nontenured teachers hired by our old principal.  I can't shake the feeling that Mr. New Principal decided to keep "his people."  And I can't tell you how unfair this feels.

I'm more than a little bit Type A.  I like routine, order, control, and PLANS.  I'm not really into surprises, and I HATE when things feel unfair.  It can be hard for me to adjust when something happens that isn't part of my plans, or that there was nothing I could do to prevent.  Like this.  And there really wasn't anything I could have done--I did absolutely everything I possibly could this year to be the best teacher I could be, and even so, performance aside, here I am.  I'll say it again--this just doesn't feel fair.

But I guess life's not fair, right?  

Card from Mrs. Mentor Teacher: Do you think they made it especially for me?  I do.

In addition to feeling angry about the unfairness of it all, I've been feeling kind of...lost.  I've been thinking about why this is so hard, and I think it's because of this: Teaching is a deeply personal endeavor.  Losing a teaching job, at least to me, is not like losing another job.  "Teacher" is more than my job title--it is so much a part of who I am.  And even though I understand that this decision was not based on performance, it still feels like a part of me, an important part of me, was told that I wasn't good enough.  It was hard at first to even feel like "myself."

^Breathe In, Breathe Out, and Trust the Process.  Repeat.

After spending last weekend and half of this week crying or wallowing away on my couch (Did I mention I was sick with an awful cold when I got this news?  It was super.), I am attempting to get my act and attitude together.  I'm committing TODAY to ending the wallowing and complaining about the unfairness of it all.  You heard me: The moaning and groaning stops here.  This is the truth:  I can't change things by being grumpy or angry or sad.  I can only change the way I decide to see the situation, and where I go from here.    

I am trying very hard to see this as an opportunity for a positive change in my life.  Here's another truth:  As much as I love teaching and the kids I work with and many of my coworkers, this really has been a rough year.  Maybe a change will be a good thing.  As Mrs. Mentor Teacher in her unending wisdom said, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I am still looking for a job elsewhere in the district, but I am also exploring the idea of a bigger change and applying to jobs out of state too.  After all, one of the items on my 30before30 list is to live in a new state--maybe this is the perfect opportunity.  (I vacillate between excitement and terror when I think of starting over somewhere completely new...I went to college two hours away from home and even though I'm "on my own" now, I still have dinner with my parents at least once a week.)  But whatever happens, I know I will get through it.

 Anyways, sorry for the long post--if you actually made it this far, thanks for reading. :)   

Take a deep breath.

The past two days at school have kinda sucked.  Let's just say the pressure is on like whoa to get our kiddos ready for state testing, and I've basically been feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders these days.  I'll get into the gritty details another time, but to make a long story short after school today I was kind of losing it...so I'm making my mission tonight to relax, get some rest, and go to school calm and energized tomorrow--just in time for a marathon afternoon/evening of parent conferences.

Of course a truly relaxing evening involves my favorite things...

 Way more chocolate than pictured here...

Mani/pedi followed immediately by a glass of wine :)

And last but not least, before I curl up on my couch in the fetal position watching Glee, a reminder courtesy of Pinterest...

Yes.

Being my Best Self

Or, "Why nobody likes a tired, stressed, crabby teacher"

I am EXHAUSTED tonight.  And, for the second night in a row, I'm skipping my workout.  But I'm okay with that.  Yesterday I just wasn't up to it after a rotten day at school (the only cure for which was Mad Men and falling asleep on the couch at 8:30...), and today I think I just need a mental health night after another long (but thankfully not rotten) day.  Oh, and my IT band is HELLA TIGHT again--sweet.  Sometimes I think skipping a run makes it tighter, but I'm hoping a night of foam rolling and icing will help!

It seems like I have a consistent trend of having just plain sucky Mondays at school.  Yesterday was one of those, "And WHY am I a teacher again??" kind of days...the kind of day when I pause and think, "Is there any possible way that I can keep doing this job for the next 30 years?"  Thankfully I don't have those days very often anymore.  You guys, I love teaching.  I love my students.  But the pressure is ridiculous.  I feel more this year than I ever have before that if my kids don't make their projected growth targets, it will be 100% my fault.  It's just a lot to handle sometimes.  Add a nutty group of kids on top of that pressure and it's easy to lose sight of what really matters (and lose my patience...).  I should probably have taken a deep breath and read this sign that I have hanging by my desk a few times...

Adapted from Quantum Learning

Today was MUCH better.  Before the bell rang I committed to giving the day ENERGY.  I forced myself to let go of the stress and worries and frustrations and gave it all I had.  The difference in my kids in comparison to the day before was ridiculous--in an awesome way.  See, when things are breaking down in the classroom it's easy to blame it on those crazy kids, but some times it helps so much to look at your own actions and think, "What can I be doing differently?"  The thing is, when I let the stress GET TO ME, I forget to enjoy teaching.  When I don't enjoy teaching, my kiddos don't enjoy learning.  And of course when my kiddos aren't enjoying learning, they check out.  Give up.  Quit.  And inevitably find one million and one ways to derail my lesson.  This is no good for anyone.

source

Maybe I need this sign hanging by my desk too!

But when I bring energy to my teaching?  It's amazing what they can get excited about.  A few of the kiddos were even talking about how interesting our nonfiction guided reading books about women's suffrage were.  *love*  Really, there's no question that it's worth it.  So, here it is:

Consider this my personal commitment to being my best self every day at school until break (and beyond...).  My students deserve it.  They are worth it.  That means that no matter how stressed and tired I am, I WILL be bringing a high level of energy to every single lesson--even the boring ones on fractions. :)  WHO'S WITH ME??

After a successful day teaching, at 3:00 I found myself staring at....A PROJECT.  I don't know about you, but I'll be in the middle of a task that actually needs to be completed when suddenly I have an overwhelming urge to clean out my closet, rearrange my furniture, or alphabetize my files...(go ahead and mock.  I embraced this psycho part of my personality LONG ago!)  This happens CONSTANTLY in my classroom!  I've reorganized my cabinets and rearranged the furniture more times in the past 3 years than some teachers do in their whole careers.  (Usually when I have stacks of grading or lessons to plan!)  Anyways, I digress.  Last year I shared the simple system I used to keep desk clutter at a minimum...

This worked GREAT for me last year, but to tell you the truth, this year it's done nothing but collect dust.  Well, let me clarify that--I still dumped papers in the "to file" and "to grade" bins, but never emptied them.  "To copy" papers were being stored in piles on my desk.  Why?  No clue.  Consequently the "file" bin help math handouts and random literacy sheets from September that still needed to be filed.  On a high from my high-energy day, I decided to tackle this project.  Of course it evolved to a total reorganization and inevitably a big old mess in the process...

But hallelujah everything is in its place now.  I can rest peacefully tonight. :)  Don't know why I didn't think to take an after picture!  After that project, spending far too long stressing over the formatting on a math test, and stopping at the library to pick up picture books for a literacy lesson, thoughts of running were far long gone, having been taken over by two clear thoughts: GET FOOD and GET OUT OF HEELS asap.  

Sooo after that rambly post, I'm off to eat my effortless dinner, curl up on the couch, and enjoy some mindless Glee.  Oh, and there might be some peppermint ice cream in my near future... (That is, of course, before I start digging into my leg with my foam roller... :)  

Teachers: How do you keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face despite the incredible stress and pressure of the job?

Who's with me on my commitment to being my best self and bringing ENERGY to the classroom??

Maybe they should print that on the box...

The best thing about inheriting a classroom from a veteran teacher is inheriting a lot of stuff left behind.

The worst thing about inheriting a classroom from a veteran teacher is inheriting a lot of stuff left behind...

Having started the school year not knowing how to work an overhead (oh how I miss my SMART board from student teaching...), I very quickly fell in love with transparencies.  Using them, not making them--making them I HATE.  However, I make transparencies of EVERYTHING, and thank goodness the teacher whose room I inherited left a few boxes behind, so I've had plenty to use.  Since I hate making them, one of my biggest reasons for hoping to stay in the same grade next year is to not have to make them ALL again.  Naturally, I keep them all very organized, by subject, in labeled binders.  Well, when we shuffled our kids for math classes last week and switched around which teacher was teaching which group, I was excited to find out that I would be teaching a unit to my group that I had already done with the previous group.  Why is this exciting?  Why, because I already have the transparencies made!  Woohoo!

Well, my happiness lasted about 30 seconds before I pulled out the transparencies and started cleaning them off.  See, I have this little habit of filing them away with the marker still on them.  I grabbed a roll of paper towels and my handy little spray bottle and set to work.  Only to find that the marker didn't exactly come off.  Oh, it seemed to at first, but upon closer inspection, the transparencies were stained with the marker ink.  Scrubbing harder and applying a little cleaning solution didn't take the marker off, but it did take the INK off--the ink that had printed the worksheet onto the transparency in the first place!

I began to panic, worrying that this is what happens if you leave marker on transparencies without erasing it immediately.  Was this some secret that every teacher knew but I had never been told??  Was every transparency I'd made this year going to be permanently stained and I'd have to start from scratch next year???  I about started crying at this horrific thought.  Thank goodness, I pulled out my math transparencies from the first year of school and tested them with paper towel and water.  The ink wiped right off.  I cleaned another, and another, finding that they all wiped perfectly clean.  What was going on???

Well, after my hands were completely stained with vis-a-vis marker, I realized that for the past month I had been using one of the transparency boxes left behind by my predecessor, all of which don't seem to work well with wet erase markers...why else you'd make transparencies, I don't know.  Perhaps I should write the company.  Anyways, all of these would have to be thrown away and remade.  Which meant I had to redo all the transparencies for this math unit regardless.  Yikes.

Dear HP,

You fail at making transparency paper.  Put on the box, in giant bold letters, DO NOT USE WITH WET ERASE MARKERS!!!

Thanks,
Miss Teacher

"Reach for it, work for it, and fight for it."

Hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the task ahead, or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, work for it, and fight for it.

Barack Obama

I had a long conversation with the school social worker Friday afternoon, mostly strategizing about handling the student that has consumed so many blog posts.  She also reminded me to be consistently checking my emotions, and focusing on what I need to do at that moment to keep myself from getting too frustrated, too emotional, or just too burned out. 

During the course of this conversation, she told me about her first post-grad job.  She was working in a residential home for disturbed youth (teenagers I believe) and she said that after her first day on the job, she went home to the apartment she had JUST moved into and called her parents, begging them to come pick her up and take her back home.  There were too many things wrong and, as she said, "Of course I insisted that none of them were my fault."  She said her mom calmly told her, "This is what you're going to do.  You're going to get down on your knees and pray.  Then tomorrow, you are going to go to work.  And the next day you're going to go to work.  And you're going to keep going to work." 

After awhile, she realized that it wasn't just them, it was her too.  She had a lot more to learn, and described that job as one of the best learning experiences of her life.  Not only did it give her the tools to deal with countless future occupational challenges, but it gave her the emotional experience and strength to persevere through all the challenges her career would offer. 

So for the next week, I'm going to follow this advice.  I'm going to go into work every day and get down on my knees every night to pray for the strength to keep going.  I am going to remember that I am as much accountable for my actions and emotions as I expect this student to be.  I am going to give myself a fresh start each day, just as I will give him.  And after winter break, I will come back to school and do the same thing every single day.  Because when you something is worth it, you don't give up.

 A few weeks ago, I wrote in a blog post of absolute frustration and despair, "Something, anything has to change here."  Tonight I'm realizing that that something has to be my attitude.  I may not be able to change this child, but if I don't change the way I feel about this situation, I WILL never make it through this year.  Instead, I can accept that, yes, he is going to be disruptive.  But I can ignore disruptions.  Yes, he is going to be disrespectful.  But I can accept and ignore the disrespect and offer back only firmness and positivity.  Yes, he is going to test boundaries.  But I am capable of passing those tests.  Eventually, we will grow and move on. (I emphasize the we here).  For this week, though, this will be enough.

Finally, I am going to remember, "despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, work for it, and fight for it."

and we're back

Okay.  I'm hoping to get to bed early tonight, so I'm not going to get into everything that's been going on.  But after last Monday's somewhat bleak posting, I feel I should briefly update.  Monday (last) was a real low point for the year so far.  It was just one of those days where enough things went wrong to make you wanna throw in the towel.  Between a whole new level of behavior problems with my "difficult student," the rest of the class being off-task in general, a really irritating display of unprofessionalism geared at me from a colleague, and my car being keyed in the parking lot one night I was working late, I was about done.  Thankfully, the next day my team stepped in and helped me out enough that I could get things back together.  I've been working hard the last week on reteaching expectations, enforcing rules, and gaining control of my class (minus 1 who I am OUT OF IDEAS for).  In general, it's going well.  Although I never dreamed we'd need assigned carpet seats in 5th grade...but that's besides the point.

Anyways, things are going a little better.  It's still really draining, and I am constantly wishing that this one kid would just get sick and spend a day at home, because he is so exhausting.  Every second I am making choices on how to handle his behavior, and I'm just never sure if I'm doing the right thing.  I spend half my time and energy on trying to keep him in line, or dealing with him when he has a melt-down, a tantrum, or does something crazy...but that's life I guess, or at least teaching.  I'm crossing my fingers that SOMETHING changes and that maybe someday we'll be able to get through a day without any real disasters...wishful thinking...

On another note, I'm in the middle of an expository writing project that some of my students are enjoying as much as I am (I say some, but that's really the best you can hope for in 5th grade!).  We're writing about someone in our life who we think is a hero.  I'm modeling each step of the process and am enjoying writing about my hero as much as I'm enjoying hearing about my students' heroes.  I'm looking forward to seeing the final product, although we are nowhere near that point. 

Tonight I spent the true elementary educator's evening in my kitchen making playdough and doing experiments on "buoyancy."  This I learned:  when you read a lesson plan for a lab on the internet, always always ALWAYS try it at home first.  They're not always as simple as they sound!  Cross your fingers that the few experiments that look like they WILL work actually do tomorrow...

Finally, today was the first day of Battle of the Books meetings.  While part of me knows it was crazy for me to take this on this year, another part of me is so glad I did.  Reading with kids who love reading and are volunteering to take part in this club/competition is so refreshing.  I need something like this back in my life--spending time in small groups with kids who want to learn.  During guided reading, I spend most of my time meeting with my approaching grade level groups and deferring my on and beyond students to my aid and lit coach.  I miss reading with kids who are strong readers and love engaging with texts and having discussions as much as I do.  So, even though the time committment is huge (and I have to read all the books for the battle too...eek), I am confident that the payoff will be well worth it. 

Anyways.  Off to find some fabric scraps in the basement because I promised my future fashion designer student I would bring her some to work into her designs...and then bed.  Bon nuit :)  Let's hope I have no more "I'm going to quit" melt downs anytime soon!

break down

I want to quit.  I can't remember any of the reasons I got into teaching anymore and I just don't know if it's worth it.  I just need one thing to go right tomorrow.  I can't handle this.

Reality

I knew when I took this job that it would come with some of the natural challenges involved in teaching in a low-income school.  MIA parents, disorganized students, forgotten homework, missing lunches, kids who are behind because no one read to them at home as a young child, mouthy kids who don't know how to talk to adults because they have no role models, and kids who are just starving for attention and who seek it in any way posible.  I've seen it all already, but I have to say there are so many things I love about this population regardless.  Anyways, today I was presented with two other realities of where I teach:

1. This one isn't sad or tragic or heart wrenching, it's just annoying and frustrating.  So today I came out of the house and my dad asked me what happened to my car.  "What now..." I thought, remembering how my mom had  accidentally backed into it in the driveway last year.  Did that happen again?  Nope, it turns out my car was KEYED and now has a beautiful little swastika and F-bomb etched into the trunk.  Sweet.  Since my car hasn't left my driveway since Friday, I'm assuming this happened in the school parking lot on one of my marathon nights last week (probably Friday) and I just didn't notice.  While it's possible it happened in my driveway, I'd say the odds are stacked in favor of the teenagers who tend to loiter in the school parking lot at night.  Sooo...yeah, that's fun.  I hope that anyone who notices it will see the autism ribbon on the back of my car and the cross dangling from my mirror and assume that a person who would choose to display those things wouldn't pusposefully have carved profanity and white supremisist symbols into her car.  The good: they're small, not immediately noticeable, my dad attempted to cover them, and I'm hoping to get a new car in about a year anyways (maybe sooner...).  The bad: I'm a little freaked out about staying late at school now and just plain pissed off.

2. Much, much, much worse and makes me feel ashamed that I even just complained about my car.  Of course anyone who goes into teaching knows the drill: child abuse is real, it happens, and it's tragic.  Not only that, but we as teachers are legally required to report any and all suspect child abuse.  Simple, right?  Well, today I found out that a student of my friend, another young teacher at my school, stole something from another teacher Thursday afternoon.  She was yelled at and her father was contacted by that teacher.  Friday morning when she came in, she didn't want to take off her coat.  When she did, she was so covered in bruises that her arms were actually swollen.  It turned out her legs were covered too, and she was actually taken to the hospital.  Of course, the standard protocol was followed: DCFS was called, the father was arrested, the child was brought to her mother's house.  Hearing this story today made things seem very real.

This is one of those things that as a teacher you know in theory you might have to deal with, but you never really think you will.  Then, when you hear a story about it, you pray like hell none of your students ever experience that, and that you never have to handle that.  Because the truth is, when you sign up to be a teacher, you sign up for a whole lot more.  Even the students who sometimes I really think I hate I am emotionally invested in.  And to think that when they leave us at 3:00 some of them might go home to parents who hurt them or neglect them or just plain aren't around is something that none of us ever want to imagine.  Because should something like this happen, we know it will just leave us thinking, "Was there something I could have done to prevent this?  How could I have allowed this to happen?" even though we know that the very thought is ridiculous.    And the truth is, school may end at 3:00 but our minds never turn off--we are teachers 24/7 and we bring our work home:  the papers to grade, the lessons to plan, and the kids who we lay awake at night worrying about.  Tonight that child will not be one of my students, but my friend's student.  I will be laying awake praying for her, praying that my own students are safe, and praying for my friend, her teacher, hoping that she will be able to sleep tonight.

this. day. sucked.

i cannot even relive it right now...more tomorrow.

To the child who made me cry today:

How do you do it? How do you make so angry, so frustrated, so stressed? Our argument today happened ten hours ago, yet somehow I'm sitting here at home on a Friday night, so upset with you that I can't get over it. I don't understand how you are able to make me this angry. And I really don't understand why you do it. Today, I thought, "You are the student who is going to make me quit my job." Yes, that's dramatic, but no child has made me feel so livid and push me so close to the edge as you did today.

When you decide to misbehave, you make me feel that YOU are the one running the class. I hate that feeling. Every strategy for classroom management I've been taught is lost on you. Whatever I say, whatever I do, you have a comeback. You just don't care.

You make me forget why I love teaching. You make my classroom feel like a prison and you make me feel like the worst person in the world. I am out of ideas. I don't understand why you behave this way some days, and other days have a huge smile and want to tell me about your favorite books and joke around with me. I don't get it!!! I don't understand. But I am trying so hard. I refuse to tolerate your lack of effort. No, I won't accept the work that you hastily made up answers on just so you can get it over with. This is not your best. Do it again.

And then...then, we get into an argument. Because I refuse to put an F in my gradebook for you when I know you are capable of SO. MUCH. MORE. I am doing everything I know how to help you learn and grow and achieve. But I can only take you so far.

Don't you see? I WANT to help you. I WANT to understand you. But on days like today, when you act like you did and yell and throw your things around, when you kick your chair and stop class with your protesting yell that you did nothing wrong, even though you know what choice you made...days when you leave me so shaking angry that I wonder if I'll be able to pull myself together enough to teach my next lesson...on days like today, I just want to give up and say, "Okay. You win. Congrats."

So here I am, 8:24 Friday night, still crying about how I'm failing you as a teacher. And how I'm allowing you to get to me. And how you are making me fail as the teacher to the other 23 kids in our class. And as much as I know I need to let it go...it's not that easy. Today you made me want to quit my job. I know that that's ridiculous: I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted. I also know that I will never quit on you.

I will never quit on you. Let me say that once more: I will never quit on you. I don't understand why you're so angry.  But you need to understand that I will never quit on you. We will make it through this year.

Pause and Regroup

This weekend was a continuation of my emotional rollercoaster, I'm afraid to say. Saturday morning as I glanced through the quizzes I gave the previous day and had my prediction that many had failed confirmed, as I wrote about two entries ago, my frustration began. After blogging, I tried to step away from thinking about school for awhile, and left the house. Unfortunately, school just followed me. Thankfully, Miss R consoled me for a good hour on the phone (I would be a disaster without you, Miss R!), and between her encouragement and a blended frozed green tea & mango cup of heaven from caribou, I was able to calm down and take my mind off things. I even allowed myself to go for a bike ride with a friend and see the outdoors for a change.

Today I am feeling a million times better. I have a plan for math this week, and I have accepted that I have to move on after another day going over this material. I know it will be okay, and I accept that I am doing my best. As I told Miss R, I have a long history of liking to be perfect at things immediately. It's sometimes hard for me to remember that most jobs have a learning curve, and of course, no one is perfect. I am trying to focus on one goal at a time, and tomorrow it will be math. Next week I will tackle reading when I start implementing Daily 5.

My aunt gave me a book this summer that was given to her years back by a student (yes, another teacher in the family, but this one no longer teaches). It's called Chalkdust: Prayer Meditations for Teachers. While I don't usually talk about this kind of thing, and especially not when it comes to teaching, I want to share one of the meditations here:

For the Slow Learner
Oh, Father,
this child is so slow,
and I am so impatient.
We are both trying hard,
and I desperately need to see some success.
If only I could see a little progress--
slow, plodding progress.
But the word he read yesterday
he can't read today.
The math concept he seemed to grasp yesterday
has slipped away today.
And somewhere inside me
Discouragement is moaning, "Give up."
Help me not to listen.
Help me instead to listen for your voice
reminding me of all the good and true things
I've learned about teaching.
Remind me that progress is more a spiral staircase
than a straight flight of steps;
that learning rarely moves at a heartening pace;
it is more likely to dip and double back,
and move on in little spurts of growth.
So help me, Father,
not to give up when we move so slowly
or stand still.
or even seem to slip backwards.
Give to me, and to this child,
the sure and steady faith to keep on trying.
But, Father,
when I grit my teeth and try so hard
that I am overcome with impatience,
let me hear your still, small voice saying,
"Relax!"

mood swings

It seems I am on a constant emotional rollercoaster when it comes to teaching these days. As I'm looking over the math quizzes my team gave yesterday, I am horrified to see that, after a week of teaching the same skill in many different ways, about half of my kids still have no idea what to do. I have taught the skill 3 different ways, used manipulatives, used drawings and visualization strategies, and worked with small groups of struggling kids before school. I don't know how else to teach this, and after about a week, I'm thinking it might be time to move on.

Last year, with my small group math during student teaching, I was able to teach and reteach until everyone grasped a concept. I did not give a quiz until I was positive that the kids would do excellently. However, not only was I working with a small group class of 10, but they were also my gifted learners, so we had no deadline or pacing guide to get through material--it was all enrichment anyways. I guess I got used to scoring 100% quizzes. Now, I'm not naive. I know that sometimes kids struggle with concepts. I struggled with math a lot as a child. But I know that I did a good job teaching them. I honestly am not sure what else to do for this.

I would spend another week on just this material if I were able, but I'm under pressure to finish chapter 1 at the same time as my team so that we can change up our classes for math. Do I try teaching it another way? Or do I move on?

I get so frustrated when I grade something and there are blank spaces. Kids, I struggeld in math as a child too. A LOT. I still struggle in math. But when there is a question that asks you to name a prime number, and you don't know the answer, TAKE A GUESS. Do not turn in your test half blank with "i didn't get it." written on the top.

I'm sorry. That probably sounds insensitive and like I don't understand learning disabilities, special needs, or my responsibility as a teacher. I do. I am just frustrated.

I never give up on my students--I know they are all capable of learning. But I honestly don't know what else to do about this.

another frustration and a little crying at my desk

Today afterschool (after a wonderful surprise end-of-the-day visit from my good friend's mom who works in the district!! ), I met with my literacy coach to determine a plan of action for tackling my whirlwind of literacy that will take place next week (by next week, I mean the two days I will actually be with my kids...). Thankfully, she is going to come into my room and lead two of my guided reading groups. Phew. Thanks, Mrs. J! However, we still are determining what I need to start doing in the future for guided reading.

Mrs. J conferenced with the other literacy coaches today, and they decided that me, my other novice teacher buddy Miss R (not to be confused with the other Miss R from IWU!), and my team partner, Ms. R (too many Rs...), who are all confused about literacy this year, will be doing Daily 5. Or make that Daily 3. (I'm not sure which 2 they ditched, but I'll find out I guess). However, we'll be doing Daily 3 with a twist: instead of just reading to self, etc. all week, students will first be required to complete reading assignments in their leveled readers before and after our guided reading group sessions. After working with the reader, they will move onto the Daily 3. I am not exactly sure what I'm going to be doing for this since I am not entirely familiar with the ins and outs of the Daily 5 (just that it seems to be very "in" right now...), but I'm assuming that we are all going to work this out together.

I feel like Daily 5 is something I can handle (or will be able to handle with some help). It will be a lot of work to figure out at first, and tough to train my chatty bunch of kiddos, but at least someone is FINALLY giving me some direction on what to do here. Thank goodenss.

Anyways, that was a big long tangent. Back to the crying. Well, after this meeting, I began working on some plans and I decided I should probably look over the Literacy Test I am giving tomorrow. (I know, I'm a bad teacher. I should have looked at it at the BEGINNING of the week, not Thursday night! *hangs head in shame*) Well, imagine my surprise when, after my careful adhearence to the teacher edition lesson guides, my focus on teaching all of the "tested skills," and my emphasis on the week's target reading strategy, the extended essay question on the reading test is entirely based on a skill that appeared NOWHERE in the story or target skills. what the heck? I would have taught my students the skill if the text had asked me to! Why are they testing my kids on it???

Well, I called my team partner Ms. R and left her a very freaked out voicemail, then proceeded to cry for about 15 minutes. Thank goodness she called me back (after I had stopped being a baby) and calmed me down. Tomorrow's test will be fine, and I will talk them through that portion. And, as I was reminded today, I am the teacher now. If I don't like a part of a test, I can throw it out this week. Or, I can even do it with them.

I am the teacher. When did that happen?

Yikes.