An End in Sight!!!

T-5 1/2 days left of school, 4 1/2 days with kids...not that I'm counting or anything ;)

Don't get me wrong--I'm not counting down because I can't bear the thought of spending another day with my class.  Actually, that's not even close to accurate.  I was looking at my class today and was just in awe of how far they have come this year.  Yes, they still get too loud, forget their homework, and talk back.  As we have gotten closer and closer to June, even the "good ones" have had a little extra sass.  Yes, they make me crazy.  But I have come to love this class.  Today I was thinking about how they have been able to handle having their desks in table groups of 6, to participate in a very discussion/decision based social studies simulation, and to write for 30 minutes plus in their "wagon train" diaries, and some students ask for more time (yes, it did take a good 10 minutes to settle down and START, but once they did, they didn't want to stop).  They have come a long way.  I have come a long way.  WE have come a long way. 

I know in 5, 10, 20 years I will look back at this year as a pivotal one--they told me when I started here that if you can teach at my school, you can teach anywhere.  While I don't know about that, I do know that no matter what kind of hoodlums walk into my room next August (this year's fourth graders are quite the wild bunch...if by wild you mean completely crazy), I will be able to get through it.  I made it through this year, after all, right?  (And hopefully never again will I stay in the building until 10pm on a Tuesday, or so late on a Friday that my car gets keyed in the parking lot...)

And so, as I peeled packing tape and sticky tack off my walls today while the kids had art class, and almost broke my neck trying to detach those nifty little things that hang from drop ceiling tiles, I began to feel a sense of closure.  We have almost made it through the year.  I didn't kill anyone, the kids didn't kill each other, most of them seemed to have learned at least a few things along the way, and I managed to keep the job for next year.  All in all, that sounds something like a success, no matter how many tears were shed in the process. :)

Things to look forward to: A quiet records day tomorrow, trying out new furniture arrangements in the room Tuesday with my mentor, performing pioneer-inspired readers' theatre plays, staff end of the year party next Friday

Things I have mixed feelings about: Field Day (never really liked it even as a kid...I know, I'm THAT kid...), packing up the rest of the room

Things I am NOT looking forward to: Getting a bill for the text books my kiddos lost this year and claim are NOT at their houses (although my mentor insists this won't fall on me, I'm not so sure...it may be time to start throwing up some extra prayers to my good friend St. Anthony)

Final Countdown

I admit, I have been MIA from the blog for the past few weeks!  It seems like I go through cycles where I'll feel super pulled-together and settled into the teaching routine for a week or two, then super stressed out (and not necessarily for any good reason) for a few weeks.  After a few crazy weeks, I'm feeling incredibly relaxed right now.  It's official, it is late May and we are heading into the home stretch:  2 weeks left of school, and only 7 1/2 days actually teaching kids.  It's surreal.  A part of me can't help but think of graduation last year and all the many emotions I was feeling:  happiness to be finished with class, sadness to be leaving college, excitement to be starting my career, complete heart brokenness to be leaving my friends, and in general a beautiful peaceful feeling about coming back home.  The end of my first year teaching is bringing with it a similar ambivalence (a word I taught my fifth graders last week, and am very pleased to report that they have since been using it in class discussions).

If I had one of those giant "How are you feeling today?" posters, I would mark the following emotions:

1. Jubilant: Oh yes, I am nothing if not excited.  Excited about sleeping in, minimal work this summer (just a few hours of tutoring a week), reading at least 10 books, vacations, and in general relaxing and recovering from the stress of the year.  I am thrilled that in a matter of weeks I will never be a first year teacher again. :)

2. Frazzled:  Ohh man, the end of the year is certainly crazy.  Assemblies right and left, miscellaneous "to do" things, trying to strike a delicate balance between cramming things in to make sure they are wrapped up before the last day, and stretch other things out so we have something to DO until the last day...in short, it is crazy.  This whole year has been an exercise in flexibility for me, the eternal planner, who has had to let go of some of my rigidity and learn to go with the flow a little bit...

3. Proud:  Looking at my students' MAP scores over the past few weeks, I am overwhelmed at how far a few of them have come.  I literally get tears in my eyes thinking about a few kids and their growth.  There's the student who almost made me quit this fall because of his horrible behavior problems who (while he is no means an angel...) I now look at and think, "You have come so far.  WE have come so far," and know that I am a better teacher because of him.  Then there's the student who asked me in September if I could teach him how to use periods in his writing, and while he's hardly on his way to a Pulitzer, 9 times out of 10 he uses punctuation correctly.  I am so proud of these children.  And honestly, I am proud of myself, as cheesy as that sounds.  In November, I never thought I'd make it to the end of the year.  And here it is!!! 

4. Wistful: While I am more than ready to say goodbye to some of my students, others I find it hard to imagine teaching without them in my class (especially that handful who were all that got me coming to school again so many days in fall).  I will never forget this class--the good, the bad, and the wonderful. :)

5. Shocked:  Some days I literally cannot believe that after the rocky start to the year, not only have I managed to survive, but I actually have a job for next year still and am excited to come back. :)

6. Content: These past few days I have felt so peaceful.  While there is still more I would have liked to have done for my kids, especially a certain few extra needy ones, I really feel that I can put my stamp on the end of this year and say, "I gave it all I had, and I am happy with what I have accomplished."


7. Anticipatory:  For the past few months, I have almost constantly been thinking about things I'd like to do next year.  This year it took me months to even figure out a routine, and I am STILL figuring out so many organizational and management things.  I know that every class is different, but I keep thinking about how much easier so many things will be next year, as well as how much better I will be next year.  I'm excited to try so many new things, especially writer's workshop, and love the fact that my job has fresh starts built right into it.

The past week and a half or so has been nothing if not therapeutic for me.  Although I have been a little stressed, I've had the opportunity to spend time with some of my best friends lately, and find myself almost nightly thinking about how blessed I am.

I'll update on the end of the year festivities/chaos in the next two weeks:  records day, field day, packing up the classroom (I am STILL cleaning out stuff from its previous occupant!), and saying goodbye.

To my student that lies and steals

Dear Student,

This has to stop--now.  Your stories, your lies, your stealing--all of it.  STOP.  Friday, when I found out you had been lying to me in little ways all year, I looked at you in a new light.  I mean, taking stickers is one thing.  But cell phones?  mp3 players?  GLASSES???  [Yes, I learned that the glasses this child has been wearing all year were stolen.  She does not WEAR glasses.  I know.]  I fear for your future--where will you be in 5 years?  Next year, even? 

I fear for you, and I ache for you.  What happened in your life that caused you to do these things?  What can we do to help you?  What do you need? 

I am at a loss.  For now, unfortunately all I think I can do is keep loving you, and pray for you...

New Student

Since the evening I first browsed my school's website (in preparation for my interview, actually), I have been well-aware of the high-rate of mobility in the boundaries.  Because we serve mostly apartment buildings, it's natural that students will be moving in and out more frequently than single-family homes.  However, unlike the revolving door that seems to be installed in my friend Miss R's classroom downstairs, I have only had 1 student move in and 1 move out.  Fairly normal, I'd say. 

Well, yesterday I received an email that I'd be starting a new student Wednesday.  No big deal, although I can't help but worry that any student joining my class in late April is most likely VERY low--anyone who is bounced around from school to school can't help but fall behind, unfortunately.  But I was confident we would be just fine.

This afternoon I received a second email from the school secretary informing me that she and her siblings haven't been in school since February.  FEBRUARY.  As in 2+ months ago.  Good lord.  Considering how much knowledge seems to leak out of my kiddos' brains between Friday and Monday, I can't imagine where she will be when she starts school again tomorrow. 

I also can't imagine the kind of home life she must have that means she's moving so close to the end of the year after being out of school for such a long period of time mid-year...

On the other hand, as I hurried to get a name tag and desk ready for her after school today, I made an awesome discovery: I was assigning her #10 in our numbering system, planning that she would take the number of the student who had moved away in December.  Easy enough!  Well, as I was writing her name on her name tag, I realized that her last name starts with the same 2 letters as the previous #10--SO SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN #10 ANYWAYS!!  (is it sad that I got so excited about that?  probably.  oooh well...)

We'll see how tomorrow goes!  In any case, I did manage to be super productive after school today and got all my reading packets and handouts made, printed, and copied for next week.  It's always a relief to have SOMETHING ready in advance when so often I am scrambling just to barely get by!!!

one AMAZING workshop!

Let me say this: I am not a huge fan of leaving my students with subs.  I have anxiety about it all day beforehand, write incredibly detailed lesson plans, and spend hours organizing everything the night before I leave to go home (control freak? check...)  That's why I didn't initially get too excited when each grade-level team was asked to choose one member to attend a day-long seminar on teaching writing through mini-lessons and writers workshop, and my teammates "nominated" me.  However, I agreed to go, well aware that I have the most to learn being the new teacher!!

Sub or no sub, I am SO SO SO glad I went!!!!  Diane Murphy's "101 Writing Mini-Lessons" workshop was an incredibly worthwhile experience.  Not only was the presentation engaging and upbeat, but I left completely motivated and excited about planning writing lessons for my classroom, and ready to restructure my writing time into a truer model of writer's workshop.  Mostly I am excited about all the new things I will try NEXT year from the start, but I'm trying to integrate a few ideas in my classroom now, if for no other reason than to try them out.  I even tried a lesson right away Monday afternoon!

Since we are already in the beginning stages of a writing project, I decided I should probably just stick to mini-lessons that support that project rather than starting anything new on the side...it's already challenge enough for me to find time to teach writing!  We just finished brainstorming and outlining narrative essays about a "special day," so I decided to try Murphy's lesson for choosing a "good beginning."  We practiced tons of "hooks" during my expository writing tirade earlier this year (thank you ISATs...), but I wanted to try a few new ones specific to narrative writing.  I chose 6 hooks I thought would work especially well for a narrative and wrote each on a sentence strip.  Then, I wrote an example for each about MY special day that I've been using as an example on separate sentence strips.  The kids matched the correct examples to the types of prompts in a pocket chart and discussed each style and we discussed them all (next time I might have them look at the first page of books and write down the attention grabbers authors used...but 1 thing at a time).

They then went back to their desks and we rolled a cube I had made that had a different hook on each side, and the kids got 2 minutes to start writing an opening paragraph to their narrative using that hook.  It took them awhile to catch on, but after the first 2 or so, they totally got it and did a great job.  When we were finished, they cut out the best one and taped it to the top of their draft-in-progress.  Overall, I think it was a success.

One thing I'm working hard on is just letting the kids WRITE initially, and going back with them to revise later.  It's true, I'm a HORRIBLE (horrible) perfectionist, and unfortunately I do let that tendency involve itself in my teaching at times...I want to help the kids get it RIGHT, even though I 100% see the benefit of making mistakes and learning from them.  Then thing is, when we are always in a time crunch to teach a million and a half things, who has the time??  Anyways, I digress.  So, I am asking the kids to just write a first draft.  We will go back through and paragraph later, add detail, fix mechanics, rearrange the order, etc. etc. etc.  I honestly have no idea how this plan will work out in terms of student products, but I figure it's worth a try, and this is definitely the time to try it (post-ISATs I mean ;).

Anyways, even though I received an interesting report from my sub when I came back to school (something about how subbing in my class was a "good experience" which I don't think meant it was a walk in the park!!), it was definitely worth it, and not just because of the fact that I got an hour for lunch and actually got to use the bathroom any time I needed it during the day. ;)

We speak for the trees!

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It's not.
The Lorax

I remember about a month into the school year my friend asked me if I loved my new job. More than anything, I was irritated by this question. Do I love it? Was she kidding? Some days I could barely even get myself out of the car when I got to school in the mornings. Why didn't she understand how hard it was? But had she understood how hard it was, she of course would have said, "so quit!" That would have outraged me just as much. Quit? Quit on my students? How could she even suggest that???


The thing about teaching is that it's a love/hate kind of job. There is so much stress and so many little things to drive you crazy, but every good teacher knows that she could never, ever be doing anything else.
Today I was thinking about that question, and about how far I've come this year. Here's the thing--no, I don't know that I would say I LOVE everything about school right now. The kids still make me crazy and I am still stressed out sometimes. But I have come to realize that it's not about loving every single moment of every single day. It's about loving a few moments out of everyday. As long as those moments are the big ones, it's worth it.

For example, today was earth day.  Instead of doing our regular shared reading from the literacy series, I read The Lorax.  Just a quick word on reading Dr. Seuss aloud:  I love love love attempting to pronounce the bizarre with enthusiastic rhythm and voices.  Anyways, I digress.  So, I read The Lorax, a book that still gives my vegetarian peace-loving eco friendly self absolute chills every time I read it, and was so thrilled that my (rowdy) students actually enjoyed sitting on the carpet and listening.  We had a great discussion about the literary elements in the book, the author's purpose, and how the colors in the illustrations affect the mood of the book.  But more importantly, we had a wonderful conversation about the environment and wrote pledges for helping the earth.  Will this realistically change the students' ideals?  Not likely.  But at least they were talking about it. 

And this was one of those times that I can look back and say with utter certainty, "Yes, I loved teaching that today."  Did I love every moment of today?  No, I did not love when I had to yell at a student for writing a hurtful note to another student, or when I had to reprimand a student for running in the classroom and he was nearly in tears over it, or when one of my more challenging students couldn't find his scissors and proceeded to almost melt down over it, spending the next hour grumbling (audibly) about how someone stole his scissors or something along those lines...no, those moments I didn't love. 

But it is worth all those moments and so many more to experience those moments that really touch my heart, like reading The Lorax aloud on Earth Day.

What to do about the student I (let's face it) just don't really like...

Okay, the meeting with the parent was not so bad.  In fact, it was completely painless.  But it reaffirmed that one of my girls who has had a recent history of causing trouble has caused even MORE trouble.  This girl is driving me crazy.  It's a new thing every day involving a new student...

The thing is, I know that she's not trying to be a bad kid.  I know.  I get that.  She really doesn't know how to get along with other kids, how to respect adults, and honestly, how to make friends.  Sometimes when she's trying to be a friend, it completely backfires.  Also, because she doesn't quite fit in, she feels threatened by other students who do get along.  I feel for her--I know how hard it can be to feel left out.

But...it becomes very, very difficult for me to empathize TOO much because...well...she can be very tough to like sometimes.  She talks back, doesn't follow my directions, and gives minimal effort.  She gives me attitude 90% of the time.  I want to help her, but I really need her to work with me here...I have tried so hard this year to find a way to love this child, and to form a positive relationship with her.  But it's not easy when I get so little back in return... :-/

Thankfully, it looks like we'll be having a parent meeting complete with admin. and social worker later this week.    I can only hope that someone has some new ideas for us, or some way to reach her...

PANIC!!!

The only thing that can make me more nervous than seeing the blinking red light on my classroom phone is a vague email from a parent. Yesterday I received one that about had me peeing in my pants with nerves. To sum up, a parent emailed me me and said she had concerns about classroom activities and wanted to meet in person to discuss them as soon as possible.


HOLY GOD.

"What could this mean????" I panicked. At Miss R's advisory (she has become quite the expert at diffusing parent frustrations!), I opted not to email back and called after school to ask for more information and set up an appointment. It turned out that she is concerned because another student has alledgedly been hitting her daughter--one of the very same girls caught up in all the girl drama in my room. Greeeat. My gut says that it's probably something minor and just irritating, but either way it's inappropriate.

I'm not sure how the meeting's going to go this afternoon--I don't really have anything prepared except to listen to the parent and her daughter and attempt to come up with some problem solving ideas. I did invite the asst. principal to sit in on the meeting and I feel good about that decision. I am positive she will be a good presence in the room and help us work something out.


Man oh man...will post later about how the meeting goes!

(the good news, though, is this afternoon I get to go to the book room and pick out new books! sweet!!)

mondays, mondays, mondays

when i think about the less happy days of this school year, i think there has definitely been a pattern to which day of the week they have fallen on--MONDAYS. it seems like every monday the kids are chatty, someone is "bothering" someone else, and i am so incredibly inarticualte with every direction that i can barely get my point across. yikes. yesterday was no exception!!

The chattyness i can handle, by this point--and let's be honest, they are MUCH MUCH MUCH better than they were at the beginning of the year (that, or my tolerance has sky rocketed...). What I have had way more than enough of, though, is the "bothering each other." The true culprits here are my lovely ladies.

Yes, we have some serious mean girl drama in 5th grade. It started about a month ago with some jealousy on behalf of some of the girls regarding who another student was spending most of her time with (a common tale...). Well, instead of ignoring this or socializing with new students, the girls who felt "betrayed" in this situation decided to (metaphorically) draw a line in the sand and ask the girls in the class to take sides. You can imagine how that went...

By the time I had multiple girls in tears, I turned the situation over to the social worker who did her best to work things out with the girls, but the story obviously doesn't end there! In the following weeks, mysterious writing about my girls started showing up on the walls of stalls in the girls bathroom. Now I know without a grain of doubt in my mind who was responsible for this, and all the kids have confirmed my suspicions, yet without a witness or confession (these girls can lie through their teeth without cracking, it's ridiculous), unfortunately there was no consequence. Man oh man.

Following the bathroom writing we have had to institute a "group" and "buddy" bathroom procedure so that multiple people can be checking for writing before and after they use the bathroom. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.

Well, the bathroom writing has toned down, but the girl drama perseveres. These girls are just plain being MEAN. We're talking insults, manipulation, and even hand to hand contact on a couple instances. If they are like this now, just IMAGINE what junior high will be like in a few years.
The worst part about it all (well, besides the amount of TIME it has occupied for me, between parent meetings, phone calls, and discussions with the asst. principal and social worker...oh, and just THINKING about it...) is that all I want to do is help these kids. I am so attached to so many of them, and want the best for every single one. Yet I feel so, so, so unbelieveably powerless. Nothing I say or do is sinking in. I am doing my best to prevent opportunities for this behavior, but I am not always around and have limited control.

I have done my absolute best this year to create a positive classroom atmosphere, but this has happened anyways. I have to wonder, is there something, anything I could have done to prevent this? Or is it inevitable... I guess more importantly, what can I do to make it stop???

I teach so parents see what their children are capable of:

From an email to a parent
Re: Child's Social Studies Project
Hi [parent],
I just wanted to drop you an email and let you know that I am grading the travel brochure [your child] just finished on his colony, and he did a fantastic job! He worked very well with his partner, and I can really see his unique, humorous touch on the brochure. I'll give the boys their grade next week, but I am very impressed. I thought you should know right away what a good job he did!
Have a great weekend,
Miss Teacher
________________________________________
Response:

Wow! Thank you so much for letting me know. Such a HUGE difference in [my child] these last couple weeks. He comes in my car every day when I pick him up happy that he had a good day in school. I was going to email you and [principal] this week to thank you both. [My child] had kind of a rough year since July and what you both did for him made all the difference. I think he has really stepped it up, so thank you again for letting me know. It's so important that we get on the kids when they fall off track but so important to praise them when they do well also! Thank you both!




These are the moments that, even when I seem to be doing so many things wrong, that I know I have done at least one thing right.
I teach for moments like this.