June 10, 2011

Snake Terror 2011

(This is a long one, but I promise it is worth reading!)
I've written many times about how I'm a vegetarian and obviously care about animals.  But I have to confess something.  Last night, I may or may not have been responsible for the injury and/or death of a snake.  I am not proud of this.  Let's start at the beginning...

College Roomie and I love the outdoors and aren't afraid of animals for the most part...that is, when they are OUTDOORS.  So when I turned a corner at her house last night and came face to face with a slithery little creature, I was not pleased (to say the least).  More like I screamed and almost peed in my pants, actually.  During the ordeal, I wished at least 17 times that someone was filming us because it was one of those moments when you look at your life and just aren't sure what the hell happened.  Roomie and I have decided to co-author this post in order to recreate the experience for you.


Act 1: The Discovery
Setting: Hallway 
Miss Teacher walks from kitchen into front foyer.  Notices small black squiggle on floor.  Puts two and two together and realizes "that's a *$&%ing snake." 

Miss Teacher: SNAKE!  OH MY GOD, THERE'S A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE!  SNAKE IN THE HOUSE!
College Roomie: What?  No way.  Are you serious?
MT: (Frantically pointing) SNAKE IN THE HOUSE!  SNAKE!
College Roomie does NOT come to the rescue.  In fact, she delays encountering the snake as long as possible, due to a combination of fear and disbelief.
MT: SNAKE!  GET OVER HERE!
CR:  How big?? (Peering around corner) OH MY GOD there's a &$@%ing snake in the house.
MT: That's what I've been saying.  OH MY GOD.  What the hell do we do?  We need to call someone.  I am not touching the snake.  OH MY GOD how did a snake get in the house???
CR: SNAKES DO NOT BELONG INSIDE!  I have no idea.  WHAT DO WE DO???
MT: (Calls Older Brother who lives 8 hours away thinking maybe he can somehow solve this problem.) On phone: Older Brother!  We have a SNAKE in the house!  What do we do?!?!?!?!
Older brother makes unhelpful suggestions and laughs.  Meanwhile, College Roomie frantically gchats anyone online to beg for help while googling "How to get a snake out of the house."  Neither attempt produces any helpful result.
CR: Okay, this website says to grab the snake by the tail and use a stick to hold the head so it doesn't bite you.
MT: (on the verge of tears) WHAT IF IT BITES US?? DO YOU THINK IT'S POISONOUS?!?!?!?!?!  I am NOT touching it.
CR:  I'M NOT TOUCHING IT!
MT: WHAT DO WE DO?!?

Act 2: Futile Attempts at Reptile Removal
Miss Teacher and College Roomie decide to take Older Brother's one worthwhile suggestion to try to coerce Snake into dustpan and run for the door. Meanwhile, snake remains motionless.  Miss Teacher continues to stare it down while College Roomie gathers supplies, including running shoes, cardboard, and dustpan.
MT: Okay, let's go over the plan.  (Puts on running shoes) I'll bring the dustpan close to the snake.  You approach slowly from the other side with the cardboard.
CR: I'll brush the snake into the dustpan with the cardboard.  Should I do it gingerly or just shove it in?
MT: I don't know.  WHY IS THERE A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE?  What if they're everywhere?!?!?  Okay.  We have to just do this.
CR and MT get into Snake Capture Position. 
CR: Should I open the door so we can make a quick exit?
MT: WHAT IF ANOTHER SNAKE CRAWLS IN?!?!?
CR: Good point.  Okay, ready?
MT and CR attempt to brush Snake into the dustpan.  Snake immediately freaks out, uncoils, and flings self from dustpan.  Miss Teacher and College Roomie scream and flee the scene.  College Roomie hides in other room.
MT: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
CR: Are you watching the snake???  Is it moving???  GO WATCH IT!!
MT: (returns to Snake's vicinity)  Okay, I'm watching it.  It's uncoiled now, but motionless.  We are staring each other down.  OMG.  What the hell do we do now. (Phone vibrates in pocket, causing Miss Teacher to FREAK THE HELL OUT.  Older Brother and Sister in Law are calling back, both on speaker phone.)
MT (on phone):   THE DUSTPAN IDEA DID NOT WORK.  The snake freaked out and JUMPED out of the dustpan!
Older Brother and Sister in Law continue to make unhelpful suggestions.  MT continues to stare at snake.  CR is nowhere to be found.  She is frantically gathering supplies for Snake Capture Attempt 2.
CR: Okay, what if we put something over it and drag it to the door?  And then fling it?  (Roomie produces a plastic tupperware)
MT and CR stand for about 5 minutes visualizing and discussing methods of snake capture.  It is decided that the only other option besides allowing the snake to live in the house is the Cover and Drag method.  Phone rings again.  It is Dad, whom Older Brother has already spoken with and filled in on the situation.  Dad suggests calling animal control.
MT: Dad says to call animal control.  I guess we could do that...
CR:  They would seriously laugh at us.
MT:  You're right.  We can't call animal control for this miniature snake.  But I'm still not touching it.  Is there ANYONE ELSE we can call????
CR:  We're on our own.  Okay, here's the plan.  I'm going to put the container over the snake and we're going to drag it to the door.  Wait, do you think this is big enough?  I don't want to crush it's tail.
MT:  We need it to coil back up!!!  OMG did it just MOVE???
Stand around and discuss for 5 more minutes.  By this point, emotions have reached hysteria.  Dinner has officially gotten cold.


Act 3: Our Hero, Next Door Neighbor 
College Roomie continues to stand motionless, monitoring Snake's actions.  May or may not have seen it hiss and stick out tongue.  Miss Teacher walks to Next Door Neighbor's house, whom neither have ever met.
Miss Teacher: (Knocks on door.  Says frantically,) Um hi, my name is Miss Teacher and my friend is housesitting next door.  We just found a snake in the house and we need help!  Is there anyone here who can help us???  PLEASE, we don't know what to do!  PLEASE!
Next Door Neighbor: One minute, I'll see what I can do.  (Disappears)
NDN reappears with 2 fireplace tools.  
NDN: How big is the snake?
MT: Well, it's super tiny...but we're just really really nervous.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
MT and NDN enter house and NDN sees Snake for the first time.
NDN:  THAT LITTLE THING???
CR: I knooow...it's tiny...WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
NDN attempts to wrangle Snake.  Snake flees and takes shelter in nearby closet.  CR scurries to kitchen for shelter. NDN is not deterred.  Opens closet door, removes items on floor, and proceeds to grab snake between fireplace shovel and miscellaneous other fireplace iron.  Miss Teacher observes, vacillating between joy that the snake is on its way out and fear that we are killing the snake.  
NDN picks up Snake, sandwiched between two tools and flailing about.  Walks briskly toward door, and releases Injured Snake into the wild.  CR and MT thank NDN profusely.


Act 4: The Aftermath
Miss Teacher and College Roomie: OH MY GOD.  What just happened.  How is this real.  THERE WAS A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE.
Miss Teacher and College Roomie continue to see snakes everywhere in the house for the remainder of the evening.  Both also feel somewhat guilty for possibly causing the death of a most likely completely harmless Snake.  Wine is immediately opened and consumed in copious amounts.
Dustpan was no help in Snake Removal

FIN


Have you ever had a SNAKE or other creepy creature in the house?!?!?

Would you rather have to deal with a tiny snake or a mouse in your house?  College Roomie and I both vote mouse...we are permanently scarred.

5 comments:

  1. ohhemmmgeeeeeee!!!

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  2. You two are super cute! I love this story!

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  3. This story was hilarious! I wish you had caught it all on tape :). I'd much rather have a mouse - one of our 3 cats could take care of it!

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  4. Oh man that was hilarious! Just a few weeks ago my Sis-in-law (6th gr science teacher) was babysitting my 8 yr old twins when they found 2 (yes 2!) snakes in the pool filter. She was so awesome and just called my hubby. "What do you usually do with the snakes in the pool?" Hubby's response, "Snakes?" Two years with the pool and we have never found a snake in the pool, let alone two! Thankfully Science Sis-in-law captures snakes with tongs and releases them into the marsh behind our house and turned it into an educational adventure. My kids now know the rhyme "Red on yellow, kill a fellow. Red on black, it's ok Jack!". Thankfully I only had to see them in pictures posted on Facebook!!

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  5. So scary! This is exactly how I would react!

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