Being Fearless: Triathlon Edition

I have this sign taped onto the mirror in my bedroom, directly across from my bed, and when I am falling asleep, waking up, or getting ready for school, I read its simple message to remind myself...

I have a bunch of goals for 2012, but some need more encouragement than others.  For example, I rarely find myself shaking in my boots, terrified about my goal to "Use exit slips weekly in literacy and math."  On the other hand, "Triathlon" is a goal that PETRIFIES me.  What petrifies me even more than the idea of a triathlon, though, is the fact that I am registered for one that takes place, wait for it, four measly weeks from tomorrow!  YIKES!  Worse than that even is the fact that I really just started training with triathlon in mind last week.  Before that, I swam and biked from time to time as cross training, but my focus was on the Kentucky Derby Half-Marathon...and suddenly here we are, weeks away from the tri.  Dear god.

That's where the fourth goal on my mirror comes in: "BE FEARLESS."  It is the most important goal on that list, and the one the other three depend on.  How many times have I sabotaged myself, in running and in life, by letting Doubt and Fear and Anxiety come to call?  I ran for years before even letting myself register for a 5K, too afraid I wouldn't be as good as the other runners or would be walking more.  Fear can be such a pesky yet persuasive little voice...More and more, though, I think that with every finish line I cross, Fear gets pounded a little more into the ground.  Obviously I'm not nervous about 5Ks anymore like I once was!  You  better believe, though, that I was scared like crazy when I lined up for both my first and second half-marathons.  Having dragged myself through two now, though, I think I've shown Fear who's boss a little bit more.  And so, it's on to another goal.

I don't know about you, but I don't feel *alive* unless I'm chasing after one dream or another.  How lucky for us as runners that there is always a new dream to chase--a new PR, a new distance, or right now, a new event all together.  With each new goal, with each new accomplishment, I feel like I'm sending a powerful message to Fear--I am strong.  The hard part, though, is to keep Fear silent during the training--the preparation, the endless hours working towards that goal that seems so far away and lofty and impossible.  "Can I really do this?  Can I really make it?"  It's easy to feel brave on the other side of the finish line looking back, but so much harder from where I'm standing right now, looking at my training plan and realizing how few weeks there are left, how fast time is passing.  

Consider this my personal declaration that I will NOT allow fear to poison my triathlon training and experience, or my pursuit of my other goals.  And so, from now on I am committing to CONFIDENCE, to FEARLESSNESS, to BEING BOLD, and to never for a second falling victim to the poisons of doubt, fear, and self-deprecation.  I CAN do this, I WILL do this--whether it's my brick workout tomorrow morning, my triathlon in a couple weeks, or the goal I take on after that...there's just no room for Fear in the picture.

How do you stay Fearless?

This is my brain on injury...

I am one of those runners who is always injured.  Seriously, always.  I try to do all the right things, honest!  Yoga, cross train, stretch, foam roll, low mileage, even ice baths, but I'm always either out with an injury or coming back from one it seems!  My latest injury didn't even have anything to do with running--I slipped on the ice and banged my knee outta whack.  No, thank YOU Midwest winters...Anyways, long story short I took the past two weeks off of running.

 It got me thinking about the mental and emotional side of injury and how I deal with it.  I definitely have a pattern!  Unlike many runners who approach injury with a deny-deny-deny type of attitude, I'm what I like to call a paranoid runner.  When I first feel the twinges of an injury, instead of an "If I pretend it doesn't hurt it's not a real injury" approach, I have more of a "Frantically google my symptoms and freak myself out" approach... This almost always leads to hours of reading every Web MD article and runner's world injury forum thread describing my pain.  Healthy, I know...

Anyways, at the beginning of an injury I am always super depressed.  I play over and over in my head what I could have done differently to prevent the injury.  This is especially true for my ice-fell-knee-foolishness as I've taken to calling it.  Since this wasn't a running injury, I knew exactly what caused it.  "If I hadn't parked on the street, I wouldn't have had to walk down the icy driveway."  "If I'd worn different boots, I might not have slipped."  "If I didn't live in freezing Illinois, there wouldn't be so much ice!!"  You get the idea.  Obviously that's all nonsense and completely unhelpful!  I'm also known to spontaneously burst into tears when coming to terms with a new injury.  Last year when I slipped on the stairs at my friend's apartment and twisted my ankle, I immediately burst into a sobbing fit because I realized that this obviously meant time off running.  (And if I hadn't been wearing ballet flats/drinking wine/racing down the stairs...you get the idea.)  Emotional injured Amy also likes to jump to the worst possible conclusion.  "I will never run again."  "I'm just not meant to be a runner."  Case in point: convincing myself that my ice-fell-knee-foolishness was a torn meniscus and would require surgery.  So. Completely. Untrue.  And crazy.

After I've managed to stop crying, I get in a bit of a funk.  I look out the window of my car longingly at other runners.  I look up races online "for when I can train again."  I make training plans for these "distant future races."  I read running books.  And the shopping...oooh the shopping.  Let's just say I should be allowed nowhere near the running store, amazon, the fitness clothes section at Target, or the nike website when I am injured.  It's almost comical, really.  I literally want nothing more at any given moment during this time than to run.

Case in point, new running capris and swim suit purchased this week while not running...

Here's where things get really interesting...after I've started healing and am ready to try running again, I do a complete 180 and want NOTHING to do with running.  You'd think I'd lace up my shoes as soon as possible, but often times I don't.  Here's why: I become so petrified with fear that I won't be able to run that I don't want to try.  I know.  I'm completely crazy.  It's like I can convince myself that my injury has healed while I'm still taking time off running, and am so scared that if I run I'll find out that's actually not true.  Or that I'll have lost all of the endurance I'd built up and just not be able to run anymore.  Even just admitting all of this I feel silly.  I know it doesn't make any sense!  Welcome to my world of anxiety...

So anyways, back to the present.  I said before that I took the past two weeks off to let my knee heal from the ice wipe out (that wasn't a torn meniscus...duh...).  The first week I was depressed, paranoid, and jumping to the worst possible conclusions.  And I was dying to run.  Then the second week my knee started feeling much MUCH better.  I realized it was probably going to be okay.  And I was dying to do anything BUT run.  I told myself all week that Saturday I'd do it.  Saturday I'd put on my shoes and get out there.  Not until Saturday.  Then this morning rolled around.  I got dressed in running clothes, tracked down my road id and garmin....and sat in bed Pinning and putting off running:

I even caught myself thinking, "Maybe I don't actually like running.  Maybe I'm just not a runner.  I don't HAVE to run if I don't want to..."  Eventually I decided enough was enough.  That that was crazy talk.  That I was being ridiculously stupid.  I put on my shoes, stuck my keys in my banjee (have I mentioned how much I love this thing?), and headed out.

And I ended up having a great run.  3 miles in the sunshine, and the first non-freezing run I've had in awhile.  My knee felt fine!  My IT bands were another story, but I knew that would happen--every time I take a break they tighten right back up.  (Of course, I probably shouldn't have taken a break from foam rolling...oops.)  But this run was just what I needed.  Next week starts half marathon training again (and excessive foam rolling!).  

Last but not least, can I just share my new favorite running song?  Thank you Lauren for introducing me to it and its amazingness.

I must have listened to this at least 4 times on my run.  It was just what I needed to hear today to calm my anxiety, put a smile on my face, and remind me that I CAN do it. "You've got every right to a beautiful life."  Love.  

Do you go completely crazy like me when you have an injury?  

I've freaking got this!

Remember Thursday's infinite run?  Well, I was DETERMINED to recreate it for my long run today!

I decided to do my long run this week on Saturday instead of Sunday because College Roomie is visiting from Atlanta and we are reuniting with Other College Roomie tonight!!!  And I'd prefer not to wimp out early on our reunion tonight because I need to get my pre-long run rest...

Roomies & I sophomore year acting silly in IKEA :)

For my pre-run gel I picked up this chocolate gu at the sports store yesterday afternoon since my stash of Razz Clif Shots has been anything but appetizing these days...

Umm this was AMAZING!  How have I never tried chocolate gu before?  This was seriously chocolate frosting, I swear.  Ding ding ding!  I think I've found my new fuel!

Anyways, in the spirit of recapturing Thursday's magic, I decided to run without music again and on the same fabulous trail.  While I wasn't as speedy as Thursday's 3.1 miler, today's 5 miles were pretty darn fabulous!  And you know what?  I'm really loving this no-music running thing!!  While I do love some good Katy Perry & Eminem on my runs, It was pretty fabulous to be able to hear the birds and animals and things in the forest preserve this morning.  Love.

After 4 miles I took a quick stop at my car to take a few swigs of water spiked with powerade and lose a layer--yay for warm-ish weather finally!

By the last mile I was pretty tired, but I finished fast and strong.  My garmin even showed a 7 minute pace at one point!  Albeit I was running downhill and it was for only a minute or so, but as a 12-minute mile girl, it was pretty thrilling.  Today's mantra that got me through: 

You've.  Freaking.  Got.  This.

And, sure enough, I did!  Finished my 5 miles strong!  :)  You know, I'm wondering if the difference in my last few runs is (besides less-injured muscles!) just plain confidence.  Remember my crazy anxious dreams when I started training for Half-Marathon #1?  Not so confident...But last night I had an awesome anticipatory dream about Half-Marathon #2!  I dreamed that I finished fast and strong--but I DID somehow forget to get my medal at the end...it could be worse. :)  Anyways, I'm just so happy to be running again.  

Tell me the kiddos are not rubbing off on me...

Happy Friday!  Whew, after last week's snow-a-rama, this week sure felt loooong!!!  Make that long and stressful.  I have been complaining for weeks about my February woes, but this week the two big ones were my "surprise" observation and the ever life-draining ISATs that grow closer and closer every day...seriously, I feel like the funeral march should be playing in the background in the school hallways these days...

But we made it through another week, mostly intact with minimal squirliness (although some squirliness is inevitable with the amount of test prep we are subjecting these poor innocent kiddos to, and the fact that they can't play outside thanks to the scary cold temperatures!).  Mrs. Lit Specialist did have to call the parent of one of my angels after he called another student a "mother f-er" (although he said the ACTUAL words...), but at least none of us has killed each other yet!

In any case, after this stressful week, Miss Second Year Teacher (my friendship with whom was cemented last year as we together fought through the HELL ON EARTH that was our first years) and I decided to reward ourselves with some margaritas and bottomless chips and salsa.  Bliss.  The reason I am mentioning this, though, is that as we wrapped up and paid the check, I experienced the ultimate 5th-grader moment.  You know what I mean...one of those moments when you do something soo much like your students that you have to step back, take a good look at your life, and evaluate how much time you spend with the darlings v. how much time you spend with adults your own age.  Here's a visual (I apologize for the super blurriness):

This is the bottom of my receipt from post-school snacks.  Any guesses why there is a big scribble on my receipt?  Anyone?  No?  Well...when I wrote down my tip...I SUBTRACTED it from the total.  Yup, you read that right.  Makes so much sense, I know!  The killer though is that just last night I was grading a math test and practically screaming about how some of the kids refused to look at the sign and added when they should have subtracted (or vice versa).  *takes big gulp and blushes furiously in shame*

Please don't tell my students...



In other news, my observation is finally over.  I will be the first to admit that I am a pretty high-strung person even on a good day (hence the inordinate number of nightmares I had about fire drills earlier this year...that's just not normal!), and I have been majorly stressing about this month's observation.  If you remember, Mr. Principal emailed us a few weeks ago to let us know that this would be a surprise observation.  That's pretty normal for our 3rd observation of the year, but the worst part was that he didn't tell us the subject area he'd be coming in to see.  What that boils down to is that we had to submit extra detailed lesson plans and be teaching super awesome lessons in all subjects every day.  Of course, as teachers, that is ALWAYS the goal, but add in the extra anxiety of constantly wondering when he will be popping in, and if you're me, you end up pretty worked up.

Obv Mr. Principal would end up coming into see me on Friday, after I have been nervously watching for him all week long.  But I am happy to report that the lesson was a big fat success.  He came to see a creative language arts lesson that I had developed myself and was actually pretty proud of (yes, I supplemented the literacy series with my own ideas...gasp!!), the kids were engaged, they grasped the concepts, everyone was on their best behavior, and I was actually calm enough that I could forget Mr. P was there and just enjoy my teaching.  I know I've been complaining a lot lately about Mr. Principal, but my favorite things about him are that he is truly a nice man and honestly cares about/supports me.  I've come a long way from last year, and Mr. P knows that.  And lets me know that.  Which is so, so nice.  The best part about my day was getting this note from him after he ducked out:

I know that most workers in other professions don't get regular validation from their bosses, and I don't mean to sound like I need constant praise, but in a profession in which we are so regularly berrated by the public, in which we are constantly being asked to give more more more--more time, more effort, more of our own money, hell the district even called me Tuesday asking me to give BLOOD :)--and in which we frequently are sent a message that no matter what we do, it will never be enough, a little praise goes a long way.

We are two weeks from ISATs...there is so much I am still worrying about...my to-do list is still 10 miles long...but tonight I will sleep well knowing I did my best, and actually enjoyed teaching in the process.

Tossin' & Turnin'

Well, it's official.  The half-marathon nightmares have begun.
Let me back up a bit.  See, here's the thing.  I'm a worrier.  Big time.  I practically threw up in my car before each interview when I was looking for my teaching job.  In college during finals week, there were times I'd just sit and stare at the lists of projects and papers and studying that needed to get done, freaking out over them instead of actually just DOING it all.  When I get observed by my principal, I obsessively go over my lesson plans, practically memorizing them like a script (which I NEVER do on regular teaching days), then obsess over the many things that could go wrong during the lesson.  Case in point, my first observation this year.  Now, over the past five years or so I've managed to chill out a little bit.  While I'm still a pretty anxious girl, it definitely doesn't run my life in the way it once did, and I can usually separate reality from crazy-unrealistic-irrational thoughts in my head.


But I do still worry fairly intensely before trying something new.  Enter the race I've been blogging about... With so many people I know running marathons these days, part of me thinks a half-marathon is small potatoes.  But then another part of me remembers walking through the mile run in elementary school and using asthma to get out of PE, and I realize that it's definitely not small potatoes for me.  Actually, it's a pretty big deal for me, and like nothing I've ever attempted before.  Race?  Meet anxiety.


As the race gets closer (it's six weeks from tomorrow), I'm starting to get...nervous.  Nervous about the big things, like whether or not I will actually finish (irrational), getting ANOTHER injury before that time (mostly irrational, but given my recent track record, entirely possible), somehow missing my plane to or from Florida (irrational--I've never so much as had to run to catch a flight, thank YOU obsessively organized self), etc.  Nervous about the little things, like forgetting something important (irrational, obviously I will make an obsessive packing list and triple check), being late to the race (irrational), and a million other ridiculous things.

Case in point my dreams the past two nights:
First, it was a dream about running in Disney.  But I seemed to be the only one there, and I'm thinking it was maybe a practice run I somehow snuck in the day before...although being "the only one" ANYWHERE in Disney is completely silly and never happens, so who knows.  Anyways, I seemed to be running through some sort of JUNGLE setting, having gotten lost on the race course...there's a rational fear for ya...

Last night, it wasn't even about the Princess race.  I had decided to register for another half-marathon taking place 2 weeks before Disney Princess, and weirdly sponsored by my school district.  It was taking place at a local high school, and a triathlon was going on as part of the event too.  And it all started at 6pm.  Yes, after dark.  Obviously, everything went wrong.  Showed up late, couldn't find the bathroom to change into my running clothes which I'd brought with instead of worn, took forever to change because I couldn't find anything in my gym bag, especially my socks, something was off with my shoes (actually that's a rational fear given the shoe problems I've had in the past year), was late to the start, it was pitch black out by the time I STARTED the race, forgot my watch and water bottle...you name it.  Don't remember actually RUNNING the race, but I remember it being over and me wishing I had brought more food because I had to go to school and teach immediately after, and was worried I would keel over without a snack.  (Teaching at 9pm?  Huh...)
All totally rational possibilities, right?

This running thing is pretty new for me.  That's why it's so scary I think.  The truth is, it's scary for me to not know what to expect in a situation.  And I have no idea what to expect with the race.  I'm training, and I'm learning a lot about what works for me as a runner--which clothes, which foods, which music, etc.  But on race day, I really have no idea what to expect.  I don't like that.  I am also nervous because my 6 mile run last Sunday was tough tough tough, and I can't even imagine how I will make it through 13.1.  Trust the process, right?

All of that being said, I am ridiculously excited about the race.  Terrified, yes.  And maybe that's okay.  Because it's good to try something once in awhile that's so new and scary the very thought of it leaves you shaking in your nikes.  And even through all of this nervousness, I know in my bones that I will make it through the race and that it will be amazing.  Slow, sloppy, sweaty, yes.  I will probably be one of the last runners to cross the finish line.  But that will be okay. :)

Be afraid.  Be vulnerable.  Go out on a limb, or two, or twelve and you'll fall and it'll hurt, but the harder you fall the higher you'll rise. The louder you fail, the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became. How certain chances passed them by. Why they didn't take the road less traveled.  Those people are not you.

You have the front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself you might even transform the world. And it will be electric. I promise you it'll be terrifying, but embrace that. Embrace the new person you're becoming.  

This is your moment.  I promise you it is now. Now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that, deep in your bones knowing and go to sleep every night knowing that and wake up every morning remembering that and then keep going. Keep going. 

-jack & bobby

Optimism

Last Thursday afternoon as I sat in my classroom writing names and numbers on folders, book bins, name tags, clothes pins, you name it, I began to have something of an anxiety attack.  Ever Miss Worrier, I stared down at my class list of 21 strangers (yes, my initial class was 21 students.  As of today, I am up to 25 and officially out of desks and coat hooks...) and convinced myself that half of them were going to be behavior problems and that the year was going to be just as rough as last year.  My basis for this?  Zero.  I had no idea who these children were, save 1 or 2 that I'd heard about from the previous teacher, but Little Miss Sunshine me decided that obviously they were all going to be crazy.

After working so hard to form relationships with last year's group, it was just daunting to me to have to start getting to know an entire new bunch of STRANGERS, to earn their trust, and "get them to fall in love with me" (as Fay & Funk would say in Love & Logic aka my teaching bible).  At the same time, though, I was also excited to have a fresh start--a chance to really hammer home those routines that I was still figuring out last year.  Anyways, I did manage to calm down, mostly by talking to my 4th grade teacher friend Miss R.  She reassured me that they were overall a great group.  Every class in our school has a handful of difficult students (there just aren't enough classes between which to spread them out!), so I was prepared for that, but there are of course so many wonderful students here too.

After that, I pulled myself together and stopped freaking out.  My room was completely pulled together by Friday, my copies were made, and I had my first few weeks outlined.  Logistically, I was ready to go.  However, I still spent the whole weekend pretty nervous.  Mostly I think I was/am nervous about laying that foundation of high expectations, routines, and procedures.  I don't want my students to develop any habits right off the bat or think that I will let them get away with anything.  Last year I knew the importance of building routines as preventative classroom management.  The only problem was that I didn't know what kinds of routines worked for me!  After a lot of trial and error last year (and a lot of learning on my part!), I think the systems I'm implementing this year really work for me and will work for my kids.  Of course, I also learned last year how critical it is to adapt and reteach the SECOND you realize your current routine isn't working.

This morning I entered my classroom optimistic and in high spirits after a successful meet and greet last night.  I was amazed at the sense of familiarity I felt writing the schedule on the board, organizing materials, and previewing my lesson plans.  I have done this before.  While there will be many things to learn and many surprises, I feel far less FRANTIC than I did last year.  It's a wonderful feeling.

While I know we will be in the "honeymoon" stage most of this week, I know that even when my students' natural squirleyness kicks in I will be ready:  I know that as important as it is to capture my students hearts and get them to love and trust me, it's equally important to be consistent, to crack down on disruptive/inappropriate behaviors immediately, and to reteach routines until they become second nature.
Most importantly, I know that no matter what, I can handle whatever happens this year.  I will make it through. :)