A LONG Week...+ The Saddest Note Ever

This has been a LONG week.  I know that sometimes when i read other teaching blogs, I think about how everyone else has the *perfect* classroom with *perfect* students and *perfectly* organized cabinets...but then I realize that sometimes the bad days are just less fun to blog about!  There's no need for me to go through my week play by play--it is Friday after all.  But I am not feeling great and have had a few students who have been a bit *off* these days...oh, and we ended on a bad note with me upset that the kiddos couldn't get the floor clean until 5 minutes after the bell.  (I'm a stickler about clean floors!)  I know that's nothing huge, but I hate ending the day upset!  Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  (Plus, I've completely fallen apart in terms of my workout/training schedule, and being out of the routine like that always makes me a little down.)

Anyways, I'm committing to making this a relaxing, refreshing, and productive weekend!  I started it off right with some napping in hopes of beating whatever the heck is wrong with me, some Downton Abbey, and a little online shopping...I have a problem...it's bad!!!!  I guess I figure that if I'm not going out and spending money, it's okay to shop a little bit...right??  I just discovered Lands End Canvas via a pinterest pin.  When I hear the words Lands End I think of hiking clothes and this ugly jacket I had from there in 4th grade, so I couldn't believe when I clicked on a pin of an adorable belted dress and was brought to Lands End Canvas!  Super cute clothes, and amazing sales!

In other news, I need to share this adorable note from one of my neediest and challenging students.  He wrote it to me last week after a couple of REALLY trying days together.  I know these kind of things lose their novelty the longer you've been teaching, but I don't think I will ever get tired of this kind of note, especially from a student like this little guy:

Dear miss teacher.  i am so sorry that i refused to do my work.  And refused to ask for help or talk miss teacher you are the best teacher in the world and i act like a Jerk im so sorry miss teacher this will not happen again

sinsely

Student

Oh. my. goodness.  In case you can't tell from the handwriting, spelling, and drawings, this letter is from one of my little LD/ED kiddos.  He struggles with reading, writing, and motor skills in general.  He has all sorts of emotional troubles, and we have had some particularly trying days lately.  On a few different days, this little one basically decided he wasn't going to speak, answer my questions, or follow directions.  (I swear, with my group this year, "I need you to use your words" is by far my most frequently used saying..)  Doesn't this letter just break your heart, though?  When I read the part where he said, "I act like a jerk," I almost cried.  It is so important to be in contact with parents when kids are struggling at school (or when they're successful!), but it breaks my heart when I think about the things that might happen after I call home, especially in a high-needs, low-income school like mine.  For example, I know this student's mother loves him, but I'm pretty sure he didn't come up with the phrase, "I act like a jerk" all on his own.  This difficult student has become one of my favorite kiddos of all this year--funny how that works.

What are you most excited about this weekend?  I'm excited to SLEEP and get healthy!  Oh, and FINALLY get myself back on track with training.  (I am NOT excited to work on grad school HW--just had my first class Tuesday to start working on my Reading masters and am already wondering what I was thinking...)

Three Things Thursday

I don't usually do TTT posts, but seeing as I have three separate little things to share, I figured it fit perfectly. :)

ONE
I am SO done with testing.
No really, shoot me now.  We have two days left, but I'm so exhausted from the frantic review lessons we squeeze in that are not so much teaching as they are me frantically modeling a hundred things at a time on the overhead and saying over and over, "You really need to know this.  We have been practicing this all year.  Why don't you know this yet?!"  So tired.  2 more days...I can almost see the light...

TWO
The best decision I made all day was to throw my TOMS in my bag before school.  While my foot is feeling WAAAY better, I wore heels yesterday too and by today my feet were exhausted.  Enter TOMS to the rescue!  I slipped these comfy babies on during specials, lunch, and after school.  Wonderful.  It's the little things, right?

THREE
I'll tell ya, there is nothing like a good threatening note from a student to start the morning off right!  Gotta love it!  I collected my kiddos' journals yesterday and war finishing writing my response letters this morning when I stumbled upon this gem:

My personal favorite part is, "Don't come to school or else."  Sweet.  Love it.  This is from a totally non-malicious student, so I know that he didn't intend to come across like a crazy serial killer in this note, but honestly.  The student who wrote it is one of those who seems to think he's better than everyone, probably including me (no doubt because his mom feeds him such garbage), and doesn't understand the line between appropriate and inappropriate always.  For anyone else struggling to understand this line, let me give you a brief run-down:

• Appropriate Journal Material: Writing a letter to your teacher to tell about your new video game, your weekend trip to grandma's, or your new shoes.
• Inappropriate Journal Material: Writing a letter to your teacher to offer career advice, threats, and generally words and phrases that could at some point be used against you in a court of law.

Possibly my FAVORITE part of today, though, was when Mr. Principal and I asked mom to come after school to discuss this, and student refused to leave the car.  Which mom allowed.  Student went so far as to hide under the seat when I went out to attempt to convince him to come in, yelling at me from the inside of the car and generally behaving like a child half his age.

Today was definitely a step-back-and-look-at-my-life-and-wonder-how-the-hell-I-got-here kind of day...

Why I cried driving home from school:

I have been meaning to write about this for the past two weeks, but have had a difficult time putting everything I'm thinking and feeling into words...While I'm still not sure I'll be able to find the right words, I figure I better at least give it a try.  This post is a little long, but please indulge me--I have a lot to say...

There are many MANY challenging students in every grade at my school.  As Mrs. Mentor Teacher says, "it's no picnic" in any of our rooms.  This year I have a wonderful class, but since August I have been writing about one student who is particularly challenging, my student who is both prone to emotional outbursts (like calling me racist with no context whatsoever), who occasionally storms out of the room/runs away, and also cannot read (at all).  He has been my biggest challenge since August, and taken up SO much of my time, working with him 1 on 1 in the classroom, at lunch, and after school, not to mention the lengthy RTI meetings...

Slightly less challenging, but also difficult at times was another student with whom I got off to a rough start, but later decided he could trust me, after which our relationship significantly improved.  I'm talking about the student who decided immediately that he didn't like me because he happened to be the only African American student at his table, who liked to lay pouting on the floor from time to time, and, oh yeah, who brought a bb gun to school.  We have had our fair share of moments as well...

All that being said, I grew to LOVE these two students over the past few months.  When I realized how much baggage they were carrying and how challenging they had the potential to be, I made it my absolute priority to earn their trust and build a strong relationship with them right off the bat.  As the principal with whom I student taught said, above all, teachers need to get their students to like them, because if a student likes you, he'll do ANYTHING for you.  I quickly realized how true that was.  And as I could see I was beginning to capture their hearts, they were absolutely capturing mine.

Coming back from winter break was like entering a completely different classroom.  You see, both of these boys moved over break.  In my building, students move constantly.  When you think about low-performing schools, not everyone realizes how difficult it is to separate income and ability.  Low-income schools by nature tend to have transient populations--families move suddenly as jobs appear and disappear, leases run out, families are forced to move in with other familiy members...the list goes on.  This means kids are pulled out of school and plopped somewhere new.  Often they miss weeks of school in between.  What does this mean?  They fall further and further behind, not to mention the added difficulty of starting an intervention program.

I'm used to kids moving.  But when I found out that slightly-less-difficult student was moving, it was like a punch in the stomach.  What?  You're kidding, I told Mr. Principal when he passed on the news.  After all our hard work building a relationship, after all the progress we'd made, he was MOVING???

Just as I began to make my peace with that, not three days later when most-challenging-student didn't show up for school on the last day before winter break, the second bomb dropped.  After a little detective work and a few calls to Mom, we found out that the family had already moved out of their house, and moved in with family in a neighboring suburb.  They are currently not enrolled in any school, and administration is still trying to get in touch with them to figure out whcih school they should be enrolling at.

I literally cried Friday (before break) when I left school, digesting this news.  This student has brought me to tears before, and not in the "I hate him so much I could quit" way.  More in the, "Your life is so sad and your heart is so good and there is so little I can do to help you" type of way.  I came to love this student this year, and grew infinitely as a professional because of him.  He is so needy, and has been through so much.  Dad's not around, mom has a questionable job that involves working nights, and he's been at school after school after school.  He had finally begun making a little growth, and we finally had an RTI program in place with plans to evaluate for an IEP after just a few more weeks of data were collected.  We had truly bonded.

And then he moved.  What's going to happen to him? I keep wondering.  Actually, I'm almost certain I know what's going to happen to him...and that's the scary part.  No matter how hard the teachers at his new school will work, he will likely move again, and again.  He will fall even further behind, and eventually become so frustrated that he can neither read nor add that he will drop out of school.  He will likely join a gang, and then...who knows.  It is literally tearing me to pieces.  I love this child.  I did everything I could for him while he was in my room, and it was nowhere near enough, and nowhere near what he needed.  And now he's gone, and I can't do anymore.

And while my classroom was more orderly and quiet today, while no one talked back or needed my constant undivided attention, it felt...empty.  The rational part of me says that this will mean I can spend so much more time with my other low learners who got lost in the shuffle before.  And that's true.  But...somehow that just doesn't make me feel better.

Oh hi, week before winter break...BTW, you suck.

Sorry, but it's true.  Week-before-winter-break is WORSE than his little brother, two-days-before-thanksgiving-break, EQUALLY as ferocious as his half-sister week-before-spring-break, and NOT QUITE as god-awful as the mother of them all, last-week-of-school.

By all that I mean, breaks make kids LOSE IT.  Now, you might think this just means they are crazy/chatty/goofy/can't sit still for their lives...but you would be wrong.  It means all that...and MORE.  When breaks creep up, kids (through no fault of their own) lose EVERY ounce of self-control.  In every way. Case in point, my day from HELL:

Let me illustrate with some math...

Number of kids brought to tears today: 4 (see, I told you they lose it)

Number of referrals I had written before the morning bell: 2

Number of referrals I wrote later in the day: 3

Number of lunch detentions: 2

Number of kids held after school: 2

Number of those kids who decided they were going to run away through the school when kept after: 1

Number of minutes spent searching the school: 15

Number of houses the assistant principal walked to in an attempt to track down my runner: 1

Number of minutes of assistant principal's time wasted after I returned to my classroom and discovered that said runner had crept back in (and was sitting silently, doing his make up work, and refusing to talk to anyone): 30

Number of parent phone calls: 5

Number of parent phone calls during which I learned that one of my lovelies had told another student he was going to "rip his head off": 1

Number of years off my life today: who. even. knows...

It's a good thing I am already an avid hair-colorer.  These kids would be giving me some SERIOUS grays by now, let me tell you...

It will be a miracle if I survive the next three days...but the bigger miracle will be if all of THEM do!!!!!

To the child who brought an (unloaded) bb gun to school today:

When the assistant principal came and picked you up from my room today, I assumed you'd been fighting on the playground.  When she called my room phone and told me you'd brought something unsafe to school today, I assumed it was a pocket knife or lighter.  But when she told me that it was a gun, my jaw dropped.  Unloaded, no ammo, and without an intent or plan to harm.  [Thank goodness, or I would be shaking my head as you cleaned out your desk, expelled, and off to who knows where to do god knows what...]  But a gun was in MY classroom today.  Yes, I know it was just a bb gun.  I know you and your friends might play with these, that they're viewed as toys by some, but they are STILL weapons, guns, dangerous.  And if you brought a bb gun today, who's to say what will be next, for you or someone else?

I'm not quite sure what to make of this.  When the assistant principal and I talked this evening, she told me that you did not want to hurt anyone.  I didn't think you would.  But as she continued talking, and told me that you got it from someone in the community, that you were worried about other people in the community, kids and adults, and that you felt like you needed it...I didn't exactly feel any better.  I have no idea what you were thinking, and part of me wants to tell you what a stupid thing you did and yell at you that you are the LUCKIEST KID IN THE WORLD that you are not in more trouble...but then I stop, think, and sigh...  

You are too good for this kind of thing.  You have a good heart and a good head and it breaks MY heart to think that there are things in your life that make you think, at age 10, you should have a gun on hand.  And I fear for your future--who will you be in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years?  Where will you be, and with whom?  Please tell me what I can do to help you, because I just don't know.  I am here for you.  I am here for you from 8:35am-3:00pm, but sadly, when you walk out of my room and I say good-bye with a high-five and a smile, where are you going?  And how can I be there with you, in your head, even then?  I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. 

And so, tonight I add you to the list of children about whom I will stay awake worrying...

Sincerely,

Miss Teacher

Sniffles, Sore throats, Subs, and Other things that make my life crazy

Hello!  I took a blog break this week as I was fighting a nasty cold...Wednesday I got to school with dirty hair in a ponytail, a half-hearted attempt at makeup and a presentable outfit, a sore throat, and a a stuffy nose.  By the time I left at 4 for autism tutoring, I was completely exhausted and feeling sick as a dog.  I knew there was NO WAY I would be well enough to teach the next day.

One of the few things that I absolutely HATE HATE HATE about being a teacher is that you can't just call in sick.  OH NO.  I spent a ton of time typing out detailed sub plans and proofreading them, and even then I still needed to go in Thursday morning to set up the room.  I have a group of kids this year who does not do well with subs.  Last year, the principal or assistant principal would literally have to sit in one of the 4th grade classrooms when there was a sub just to keep fist fights at bay.  I have a number of those kids in my room, and while there were no fist fights, my sub's report was hardly glowing.

Thankfully, though, the asst principal stepped in in the afternoon and told 6 boys who were causing most of the trouble that they would be missing part of Friday's halloween party.  While that didn't completely turn them around, it did save ME from having to give a consequence.  Let me explain: I believe that there should be consequences for poor choices.  However, I have a hard time giving consequences for things I did not witness.  Since I wasn't there, it would do more harm than good to come in Friday and tell these boys, who I do believe were causing trouble, that they were going to miss party time.  I have several boys whose respect and trust I have had to EARN, and doing something like that, when I wasn't there to see what happened, destroys a little bit of that trust.  So, the asst. principal saved me from that.  I was able to come in and say, "Listen.  I heard you had a rough time yesterday.  I know that you will make a better choice next time.  You will be having a consequence this afternoon, just like Ms. Asst. Principal said, but we're going to move on and have a fresh start today."  And, in true love and logic form, when they protest, "But, [fill in the blank with something they did not do or something THIS STUDENT did]!!!" I can cut in and say, "Listen, we're not talking about the other studnets.  We're talking about you.  And I wasn't here yesterday.  I don't know what happened, and I am not mad at you.  So let's please just move on and have a good day today."  And 9 times out of 10, it works.

I still hate missing school.  But it was DEFINITELY the right choice.  After a day of naps, Arrested Development, peanut butter toast, and jammies, I felt MUCH BETTER and was able to go to school Friday for Halloween.  :)

I'm not sure that's the correct adjective to be used in this situation...

What do you do when a student decides that, because you are calling him out for inappropriate behavior, you are "racist"?

What do you do when said student decides to yell that out in front of the entire class?

I'm assuming the appropriate reaction is *NOT* to bring him out into the hallway and yell at him...rarely is that EVER the appropriate reaction...but that's what I did today.  I just couldn't handle that such a serious, ridiculous accusation would be thrown at me, and it didn't matter to me at the moment that this child is impulsive, has a behavior problem, and was only saying that to hurt me.

I did not handle the situation very well.  And while I appreciate that, I am still not sure what the best way to handle it would have been...They didn't teach me this in teacher college...

(By the end of the day, we had resolved the issue--after his weekly time with our social worker, this student apologized to me and said that he was just angry and that's why he had said it.  We have moved on.  It worries me, though, that other students will decide that this is an appropriate insult to throw at others when they are merely being held accountable for their own choices...My oh my the world we live in...)

THIS is why I teach

This afternoon I my 5th grade kiddos magically transformed into pre-school kiddos.  I'm not sure why, but suddenly I was staring at a group of little babies and had to put on my mean Viola Swamp teacher voice.  Yikes!!  Here it is:

I have about 18 pillows in the classroom, ranging in size from huge to tiny.  I bought them when I started doing Daily 5 last year because part of the idea is to spread the kids out and help them find comfy seats all around the room in their own space.  The pillows help a little with that.  Last year I had them very well trained about sharing the pillows, and I have been working very hard to train this group too.  The thing is, I have a very immature group of boys this year, and they honestly are pitiful when it comes to sharing.  This afternoon, I banned pillows (possibly permanently, possibly temporarily).  I had some VERY grumpy 5th graders, including 2 having temper tantrums.  I'm serious, we're talking laying on the floor making, "Hmph!  Hmph!" pouting noises and covering faces with their books.  Umm, what the hell grade do I teach???

ANYWAYS, last year this would have made me SO ANGRY.  But this year, I'm over it.  We're working on it.  And it's kind of comical, in retrospect...
You're probably wondering about the title of this post by now--no that's not the reason I teach.  I definitely DON'T teach to get to yell at kids and witness temper tantrums.

This is why I do teach:
Last year I blogged constantly about a certain tough child who made my life hell and literally almost made me quit.  We worked SO HARD to make growth last year and he made such amazing progress.  By the end of the year, I would look at him sometimes with tears in my eyes, amazed at how far he had come.  While CERTAINLY not perfect, what a difference.  I am a better teacher because of him and what we went through together last year.  Over the summer, his family moved to another school in the district.  I couldn't believe it--I had "wished" for him to move HUNDREDS of times last year, but then by this point, when I found out he actually was moving, I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be able to see him in the hallway and share what we'd worked on with his new teacher.

Anyways, yesterday his mom emailed me!  She told me how well her son is doing and how she is so proud of how far he's come.  She thanked me for all of my hard work and support last year, and said how she missed me.

It brought tears to my eyes.  I teach for moments like this.

Today's "Is this really happening?" Moment

One of my ever so challenging fifth graders who has some pretty deep rooted emotional struggles started off with a rough morning.  He was written up for his hallway conduct by another teacher, and then I gave him a "check mark" for not staying in one spot in the hallway after I specifically asked him to.  By the time he got in the room, he was pissed off.  I approached him with a, "hey, let's let this go and start the day fresh," but that just wasn't working for him.  One of my mentors always tells me that kids like this one need to be told over and over that we like them and want them here.  So I make sure to do that constantly.

I went back up to him shortly after and said, "Hey, I can tell you're upset, but I'm glad you're here and I really like you.

Student: "(grumble grumble) I hate this school!"
Me: "I'm sorry you hate this school, but I like you and I'm glad you're here."
Student: "Well I DON'T like you!"
Me: "I'm sorry to here that, and you don't have to like me.  But I will keep liking you all year long."
Student: "well I will keep NOT liking you all year long! (Grumble grumble)"

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my life.
(You should know that we were getting along by the end of the day.  And I WILL keep liking him all year long ;-)

Touching Musings from a Tough Child

One of my little darlings is quite the handful.  (Well, MANY are handfuls, but one in particular keeps me up at night)  This child has frequent "temper tantrums" throughout the day, triggered sometimes by the tiniest thing, and other times by nothing at all.  He will throw his papers off his desk, slump down, and "grumble" to himself for about 5 minutes.  I typically ignore, or ignore as best as I can...Anyways, this child can barely read.  He has been at 8 schools by 5th grade and obviously has an unstructured home life to put it mildly.  He is disorganized and easily frustrated.  He does not have an IEP, although he would probably qualify for one, because he has never been in one place long enough to be truly evaluated.  So you can imagine that, even when he drives me freakin' crazy, I have a soft spot in my heart for him.  Deep, DEEP down.

Today he refused to start his writing.  I gave him some time to start on his own, but then decided to try stepping in.  With most "grumbly" kids, I would hesitate before offering them help mid-pouting, as it may inadvertently reinforce an idea that pouting will get them what they want.  But I had a pretty good idea that this child had given school everything he had to give that day, and that writing was just too tough for him at that point.  I offered to write the words for him if he would dictate, and he jumped at the chance.  For some kids, the ones with serious decoding gaps, that is really what they need.  Anyways, this child then proceeded to dictate paragraphs about how wonderful his mom is.  He "wrote" that she is a single mom with three kids, and works so hard to support them.  He wrote about how she gets them everything they need, feeds them, and supports them.  He wrote about how much he loves her for all she does for him and his two siblings.

I was in awe of this child.  Sometimes, in situations like this especially, it's easy to get caught up in how much there is to teach a child that's as behind as this one.  We get so caught up in the daunting task ahead of us that we forget how much there is to learn as a teacher.  There is so much we can learn from the children in our classrooms if we are open to it.  Today I was in awe of a child who can barely read, who wants for so much, but who, at age 10, appreciates his mother in ways many adults never do.  I am honored that this child trusted me enough to let me put his words to paper for him, and am humbled by the maturity he showed through them.  He has experienced things that I will never know or understand.  He has been let down by many, many people.  Yet he still has faith in his mother, and realizes what a tough job she has.  Even though the rest of our day together was anything but easy, it was all worth it to share this special moment.  I teach for moments like this.

When a conversation really does help:

After my last post, I spent the entire evening frustrated about what that student had said about me and our class. I know I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore--allow a ten year old to get to me, and bring my emotions home to ruminate on like that--but I couldn't help it.  It wasn't the behavior that was bugging me, it was that one comment about the seating arrangement.  I had kind of a, "How dare he?" complex about it...

Anyways, I pulled him into the classroom a little early in the morning and we had a long, calm talk.  And it was actually really positive.  I told him, in true Love & Logic form, "This is your chance to let me know what you're having a problem with and what you don't like in the classroom.  I can't promise I can change everything, but I can explain some things, and hopefully we can come up with a solution to others."  And we actually did come up with a few ideas.  I explained to him that I placed him with the kids at his team because I value his leadership skills.  Sure enough, the rest of the day he was stepping up and helping the kids at his team, even going above and beyond in math to help the boy at his table who constantly struggles.  It was beautiful.

I was SHOCKED though at one piece of information he shared with me during our conversation.  I sensed that he had a complex that I was a "mean teacher" before the year even started, and now I found out why.  It turned out that one of the quiet, just slides by with bare minimum but doesn't cause any trouble, kids from last year told him that I was "really mean to [student] last year," referring to my behavior problem student who constantly had melt downs and needed to be escorted to the office on a daily basis.  My jaw DROPPED.  I cannot believe it that that student is STILL following me around causing me problems, unintentional or not!

I explained some of the things that that student had done in class on a regular basis (throwing things, bullying kids, yelling and screaming, laying on the floor and not working, and talking back), and calmly explained that while I liked him and cared about him, there are consequences for any student who chooses to behave that way.  My goodness.  I never thought I would have to explain why there are consequences for incredibly disruptive, defiant behavior!!!

Anyways, it was a good day with this student after that talk.  Which goes to show you, while it might feel silly to talk to a ten year old like they're an adult, sometimes it really works.  Some kids just need to be shown that you value their opinions and see them as a real person with real things to say.  I'm sure our differences are not settled, but at least we are off to a better start to the year!

That's a new one...

Today was not my happiest of days at school.  While things are still going far better than last year, today I was pretty frustrated all day.  A couple of my boys are causing some problems, some routines are in need of reteaching, and I'm just feeling a little uneasy about my teaching in general (which tends to happen when something goes wrong--I unravel a bit...).  One of my "tough" boys was talking to his neighbors and shouting out answers ALL day long.  When he received a warning or consequence, he completely shut down.  This morning, it was lying belly down on his chair and refusing to do any work/participate.  Fine, I ignored it.  This afternoon, when I pulled him out in the hall to discuss his behavior from the morning and the consequences he would be receiving for it, it was laying on the floor outside of the room and refusing to come in for a good 20 minutes.  Then, at the end of the day when I pulled him aside to let him know I'd be calling his mom about the previous behavior, it was storming off before I could actually have a reteaching conversation.

Well, I called mom to fill her in, and when her son got home, she talked to him a bit before calling me back.  When we spoke the second time, she told me that her son had told her he's upset with me because the African American students in the class are seated "1 at each table group" (which isn't true for all of the groups, but is true at his group and a few of the others).

Yep.  Exactly what I was going for, buddy.  So that's why you're constantly disrupting class and acting defiantly by lying belly down on your chair?

Anyways, my reaction to the mother was a big old, "Ummmmm.....can't say I noticed..."  Honestly, there are so many things I think about when arranging seats.  2 boys and 2 girls per table.  2 lower kids and 2 higher kids.  Try to surround my chatter boxes and flaming tempers with mild mannered, mellow kids.  That is exactly what I had done at his table.  I explained this to mom, and she was not at all accusatory.  I apologized for any misunderstandings, and said I would touch base with him in the morning to share this information with him and problem-solve.

I have been dwelling on this all night though, because I am honestly pissed off.  The truth is that this child is probably mad at me both for giving him a consequence, calling his mom, and probably partly because he's not seated by one of his best friends.  Which he will continue to not be because of the previously mentioned problems.  Anyways, he's mad, making excuses for his behavior, and trying to get me back.

Sigh.  I'm just glad this exhausting, long day is over.  Tomorrow is another day.  I will not let a ten year old get the best of me or unnerve me.  I will keep trying tomorrow.

To my student that lies and steals

Dear Student,

This has to stop--now.  Your stories, your lies, your stealing--all of it.  STOP.  Friday, when I found out you had been lying to me in little ways all year, I looked at you in a new light.  I mean, taking stickers is one thing.  But cell phones?  mp3 players?  GLASSES???  [Yes, I learned that the glasses this child has been wearing all year were stolen.  She does not WEAR glasses.  I know.]  I fear for your future--where will you be in 5 years?  Next year, even? 

I fear for you, and I ache for you.  What happened in your life that caused you to do these things?  What can we do to help you?  What do you need? 

I am at a loss.  For now, unfortunately all I think I can do is keep loving you, and pray for you...

What to do about the student I (let's face it) just don't really like...

Okay, the meeting with the parent was not so bad.  In fact, it was completely painless.  But it reaffirmed that one of my girls who has had a recent history of causing trouble has caused even MORE trouble.  This girl is driving me crazy.  It's a new thing every day involving a new student...

The thing is, I know that she's not trying to be a bad kid.  I know.  I get that.  She really doesn't know how to get along with other kids, how to respect adults, and honestly, how to make friends.  Sometimes when she's trying to be a friend, it completely backfires.  Also, because she doesn't quite fit in, she feels threatened by other students who do get along.  I feel for her--I know how hard it can be to feel left out.

But...it becomes very, very difficult for me to empathize TOO much because...well...she can be very tough to like sometimes.  She talks back, doesn't follow my directions, and gives minimal effort.  She gives me attitude 90% of the time.  I want to help her, but I really need her to work with me here...I have tried so hard this year to find a way to love this child, and to form a positive relationship with her.  But it's not easy when I get so little back in return... :-/

Thankfully, it looks like we'll be having a parent meeting complete with admin. and social worker later this week.    I can only hope that someone has some new ideas for us, or some way to reach her...

"Reach for it, work for it, and fight for it."

Hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the task ahead, or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, work for it, and fight for it.

Barack Obama

I had a long conversation with the school social worker Friday afternoon, mostly strategizing about handling the student that has consumed so many blog posts.  She also reminded me to be consistently checking my emotions, and focusing on what I need to do at that moment to keep myself from getting too frustrated, too emotional, or just too burned out. 

During the course of this conversation, she told me about her first post-grad job.  She was working in a residential home for disturbed youth (teenagers I believe) and she said that after her first day on the job, she went home to the apartment she had JUST moved into and called her parents, begging them to come pick her up and take her back home.  There were too many things wrong and, as she said, "Of course I insisted that none of them were my fault."  She said her mom calmly told her, "This is what you're going to do.  You're going to get down on your knees and pray.  Then tomorrow, you are going to go to work.  And the next day you're going to go to work.  And you're going to keep going to work." 

After awhile, she realized that it wasn't just them, it was her too.  She had a lot more to learn, and described that job as one of the best learning experiences of her life.  Not only did it give her the tools to deal with countless future occupational challenges, but it gave her the emotional experience and strength to persevere through all the challenges her career would offer. 

So for the next week, I'm going to follow this advice.  I'm going to go into work every day and get down on my knees every night to pray for the strength to keep going.  I am going to remember that I am as much accountable for my actions and emotions as I expect this student to be.  I am going to give myself a fresh start each day, just as I will give him.  And after winter break, I will come back to school and do the same thing every single day.  Because when you something is worth it, you don't give up.

 A few weeks ago, I wrote in a blog post of absolute frustration and despair, "Something, anything has to change here."  Tonight I'm realizing that that something has to be my attitude.  I may not be able to change this child, but if I don't change the way I feel about this situation, I WILL never make it through this year.  Instead, I can accept that, yes, he is going to be disruptive.  But I can ignore disruptions.  Yes, he is going to be disrespectful.  But I can accept and ignore the disrespect and offer back only firmness and positivity.  Yes, he is going to test boundaries.  But I am capable of passing those tests.  Eventually, we will grow and move on. (I emphasize the we here).  For this week, though, this will be enough.

Finally, I am going to remember, "despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, work for it, and fight for it."

Courage

"Everyone has a talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."
-Erica Jong, author

I guess I have to keep telling myself that no one ever said this is easy.  Like one of my favorite books, The Alchemist says, when you are following your personal legend, your life's work, the struggles are greater, but so are the gains.  This is so frustrating because I so desparately want to succeed.  I am so exhausted because I care so much.  This child brings out such rage and saddness in me because I am so emotionally invested in him.  As my principal reminded me the other day, this is not just my job, it is my career and my craft.  This is my life's work, and like Erica Jong said, sometimes following a talent brings you through some struggles.  I guess I just have to accept this as one of the low points, and remember that it's not always going to be like this.

and we're back

Okay.  I'm hoping to get to bed early tonight, so I'm not going to get into everything that's been going on.  But after last Monday's somewhat bleak posting, I feel I should briefly update.  Monday (last) was a real low point for the year so far.  It was just one of those days where enough things went wrong to make you wanna throw in the towel.  Between a whole new level of behavior problems with my "difficult student," the rest of the class being off-task in general, a really irritating display of unprofessionalism geared at me from a colleague, and my car being keyed in the parking lot one night I was working late, I was about done.  Thankfully, the next day my team stepped in and helped me out enough that I could get things back together.  I've been working hard the last week on reteaching expectations, enforcing rules, and gaining control of my class (minus 1 who I am OUT OF IDEAS for).  In general, it's going well.  Although I never dreamed we'd need assigned carpet seats in 5th grade...but that's besides the point.

Anyways, things are going a little better.  It's still really draining, and I am constantly wishing that this one kid would just get sick and spend a day at home, because he is so exhausting.  Every second I am making choices on how to handle his behavior, and I'm just never sure if I'm doing the right thing.  I spend half my time and energy on trying to keep him in line, or dealing with him when he has a melt-down, a tantrum, or does something crazy...but that's life I guess, or at least teaching.  I'm crossing my fingers that SOMETHING changes and that maybe someday we'll be able to get through a day without any real disasters...wishful thinking...

On another note, I'm in the middle of an expository writing project that some of my students are enjoying as much as I am (I say some, but that's really the best you can hope for in 5th grade!).  We're writing about someone in our life who we think is a hero.  I'm modeling each step of the process and am enjoying writing about my hero as much as I'm enjoying hearing about my students' heroes.  I'm looking forward to seeing the final product, although we are nowhere near that point. 

Tonight I spent the true elementary educator's evening in my kitchen making playdough and doing experiments on "buoyancy."  This I learned:  when you read a lesson plan for a lab on the internet, always always ALWAYS try it at home first.  They're not always as simple as they sound!  Cross your fingers that the few experiments that look like they WILL work actually do tomorrow...

Finally, today was the first day of Battle of the Books meetings.  While part of me knows it was crazy for me to take this on this year, another part of me is so glad I did.  Reading with kids who love reading and are volunteering to take part in this club/competition is so refreshing.  I need something like this back in my life--spending time in small groups with kids who want to learn.  During guided reading, I spend most of my time meeting with my approaching grade level groups and deferring my on and beyond students to my aid and lit coach.  I miss reading with kids who are strong readers and love engaging with texts and having discussions as much as I do.  So, even though the time committment is huge (and I have to read all the books for the battle too...eek), I am confident that the payoff will be well worth it. 

Anyways.  Off to find some fabric scraps in the basement because I promised my future fashion designer student I would bring her some to work into her designs...and then bed.  Bon nuit :)  Let's hope I have no more "I'm going to quit" melt downs anytime soon!

oh 5th grade

Drumroll...I taught science today!  Woohoo!  When I announced that we were FINALLY doing a science experiment, the kids actually cheered.  It made me so happy :)  Anyways, we did a short and sweet lab to practice applying the scientific method by checking how many water drops fit on a penny.  I love science.  It can be crazy at times, but it is so worth it seeing the kids get completely wrapped up in excitement.  And it was even more worth it today when one of my kids exclaimed, "Miss Teacher!  I noticed that this dropper is a little different than that one!  That might make some pennies have more water drops than others!" And me saying, "You're right!! But shhh!!! Let's see if anyone else figures that out too!"  I teach for "my kids are actually thinking, learning, and excited about school" moments like this. 

On the other hand, I had to call the office today because one of my kids flipped out and pelted his stress ball at the wall in a fit, and then another kid dropped an f-bomb at a kid...sooo quite the day all in all!

For the first time, though, when I left school right away for autism therapy, I didn't come back after!!  I actually left with all my things and went home after.  I decided I needed an evening off. :)  Definitely worth it...

Is it bad that I am DREADING the Halloween party Friday??

more good & bad

Well, when I wrote Friday that the day sucked, I wasn't being dramatic in the least.  I'm not even going to get into what happened, because I honestly don't want to think about it.  The general picture is this:  we took a field trip, and of course my little behavior problem child was in my group.  While at the museum, his behavior was so inappropriate that I you wouldn't believe some of it.  I spent the entire trip praying for it to just end and praying that he wouldn't just grab something and break it.  It was the most disruptive, defiant behavior pretty much ever.  And on a field trip, of course, there isn't much you can do about it. 

Then, the cherry on top was a student from another class was in my group, and was being bothered by my student.  When I leaned close to him and put my hand lightly on his shoulder to whisper, "Why don't you move away from him if he's bothering you," he snapped, "Get your dirty hand off me."  Yup, it was quite the day.

After school though, I went out for a drink with a veteran teacher on my team and two other young teachers.  My team teacher, Mrs. P, reminded me not to let one child ruin my career.  She reminded me that no matter how horrible he is, I can't quit on the other 23 students who need me.  She also stressed the importance of going home and thinking about those wonderful kids in my class, NOT thinking about the one kid who makes my life hell. 

So, in the interest of taking her advice, I'm going to share a couple happy thoughts.  My school does an evening called Celebrate Reading & Writing, at which each class shares a book of writing they made.  Most classrooms do class books, or all write a poem, or something.  In the interest of time, I assigned the project as homework and asked each student to go home and write SOMETHING.  It could be anything they wanted.  I also really just wanted to see what they would choose to write about on their own.  I received stories, plays, narratives, informational paragraphs, poems, and even a comic.  As I was typing them up last night (again, knowing it would be so much faster for me to just type them), I read one student's mystery story about Miss Teacher and her missing diamond. :D  I love when I'm a character in the kids' writing.  (And what is this about a missing diamond?? I wish!)  I also read a student's acrosstic poem called CLASS, in which the second S was "Stunning Teacher."  These two little moments made me smile. 

I love so many kids in my class, and I love being their teacher.  It's just so hard coming home depressed every day about the kid who is terrorizing everyone, especially me.  I can't help but think how many easier jobs there are out there: waitress, barista, florist, nanny...I bet those people don't come home on a Friday night so bummed out by the day that they just lay around reading.  I'm trying to remember that I teach for the kids in my room who love learning and who work hard every day.  I can't let them down.  But man, I just don't know if I can take this crap anymore from this one student...

Could this be progress?

Since my posts for the past weeks have all been related to a certain troubled (and troubling...) student, I'd like to share one positive moment from yesterday.  I have let this student and his mother know that he is allowed to bring gum to school (in a desperate attempt to calm his sensory-seeking body and focus his mind).  Yesterday, he showed me in the morning the pack of stride gum he had brought.  He asked if I liked it, and I told him that I usually chew orbit gum and hadn't really tried stride very much.  He offered me a piece!  I asked if I could wait until lunch time and he said "sure."  Then, at lunch, he came over to my desk and handed me a piece of gum.  A big smile materialized on my face.  It was the highlight of my day

I know it may seem small, but this is the child who made it his personal mission the past few days to derail my entire lesson, distract his whole class, and make me insanely angry.  He knows exactly how to make me angry, and has no restraint in doing so.  Then yesterday, he gave me a piece of gum.  While I know this act does not mean our difficult relationship is over and his behavior will be angelic from now on, I appreciated so much this reminder that this child is not evil.  He does not hate me.  He is capable of being civil and kind.  I needed so much this reminder that he is just a little boy and we really do have a relationship.  The problems with his behavior are so much deeper than me or my classroom, and sometimes when he's acting out of control, he really is feeling out of control.  How scary it must be for him to, some days, feel like he can't control his body or his words or his emotions.  How frustrating it must be for him to melt down and then go the rest of the day knowing that he made a mistake and not be able to turn himself around.  How sad it must be to think somedays that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I hate this behavior.

When he gave me a piece of gum, it was the reminder I needed that this child is really just that: a child.  He needs me and looks up to me.  He offered me a piece of gum.  He didn't offer any to the other students, but to me, the teacher who he has terrorized all week.  And even though I really hate cinnamon gum, I accepted it and pretended it was the best gum I had ever tasted.  And it kind of was.

Gum is not the magic fix to all that's going on with this student, unfortunately.  But I know we will get through this.