Being my Best Self

Or, "Why nobody likes a tired, stressed, crabby teacher"

I am EXHAUSTED tonight.  And, for the second night in a row, I'm skipping my workout.  But I'm okay with that.  Yesterday I just wasn't up to it after a rotten day at school (the only cure for which was Mad Men and falling asleep on the couch at 8:30...), and today I think I just need a mental health night after another long (but thankfully not rotten) day.  Oh, and my IT band is HELLA TIGHT again--sweet.  Sometimes I think skipping a run makes it tighter, but I'm hoping a night of foam rolling and icing will help!

It seems like I have a consistent trend of having just plain sucky Mondays at school.  Yesterday was one of those, "And WHY am I a teacher again??" kind of days...the kind of day when I pause and think, "Is there any possible way that I can keep doing this job for the next 30 years?"  Thankfully I don't have those days very often anymore.  You guys, I love teaching.  I love my students.  But the pressure is ridiculous.  I feel more this year than I ever have before that if my kids don't make their projected growth targets, it will be 100% my fault.  It's just a lot to handle sometimes.  Add a nutty group of kids on top of that pressure and it's easy to lose sight of what really matters (and lose my patience...).  I should probably have taken a deep breath and read this sign that I have hanging by my desk a few times...

Adapted from Quantum Learning

Today was MUCH better.  Before the bell rang I committed to giving the day ENERGY.  I forced myself to let go of the stress and worries and frustrations and gave it all I had.  The difference in my kids in comparison to the day before was ridiculous--in an awesome way.  See, when things are breaking down in the classroom it's easy to blame it on those crazy kids, but some times it helps so much to look at your own actions and think, "What can I be doing differently?"  The thing is, when I let the stress GET TO ME, I forget to enjoy teaching.  When I don't enjoy teaching, my kiddos don't enjoy learning.  And of course when my kiddos aren't enjoying learning, they check out.  Give up.  Quit.  And inevitably find one million and one ways to derail my lesson.  This is no good for anyone.

source

Maybe I need this sign hanging by my desk too!

But when I bring energy to my teaching?  It's amazing what they can get excited about.  A few of the kiddos were even talking about how interesting our nonfiction guided reading books about women's suffrage were.  *love*  Really, there's no question that it's worth it.  So, here it is:

Consider this my personal commitment to being my best self every day at school until break (and beyond...).  My students deserve it.  They are worth it.  That means that no matter how stressed and tired I am, I WILL be bringing a high level of energy to every single lesson--even the boring ones on fractions. :)  WHO'S WITH ME??

After a successful day teaching, at 3:00 I found myself staring at....A PROJECT.  I don't know about you, but I'll be in the middle of a task that actually needs to be completed when suddenly I have an overwhelming urge to clean out my closet, rearrange my furniture, or alphabetize my files...(go ahead and mock.  I embraced this psycho part of my personality LONG ago!)  This happens CONSTANTLY in my classroom!  I've reorganized my cabinets and rearranged the furniture more times in the past 3 years than some teachers do in their whole careers.  (Usually when I have stacks of grading or lessons to plan!)  Anyways, I digress.  Last year I shared the simple system I used to keep desk clutter at a minimum...

This worked GREAT for me last year, but to tell you the truth, this year it's done nothing but collect dust.  Well, let me clarify that--I still dumped papers in the "to file" and "to grade" bins, but never emptied them.  "To copy" papers were being stored in piles on my desk.  Why?  No clue.  Consequently the "file" bin help math handouts and random literacy sheets from September that still needed to be filed.  On a high from my high-energy day, I decided to tackle this project.  Of course it evolved to a total reorganization and inevitably a big old mess in the process...

But hallelujah everything is in its place now.  I can rest peacefully tonight. :)  Don't know why I didn't think to take an after picture!  After that project, spending far too long stressing over the formatting on a math test, and stopping at the library to pick up picture books for a literacy lesson, thoughts of running were far long gone, having been taken over by two clear thoughts: GET FOOD and GET OUT OF HEELS asap.  

Sooo after that rambly post, I'm off to eat my effortless dinner, curl up on the couch, and enjoy some mindless Glee.  Oh, and there might be some peppermint ice cream in my near future... (That is, of course, before I start digging into my leg with my foam roller... :)  

Teachers: How do you keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face despite the incredible stress and pressure of the job?

Who's with me on my commitment to being my best self and bringing ENERGY to the classroom??

love.

Sometimes, just when I'm about to go crazy at school, one of the kiddos will say something that makes me remember why I put up with it all.  Today was one of those days. :)

One of my students who needs a whole lotta extra help and love is reading about three grades below where he should be.  He struggles with learning disabilities and emotional disabilities, not to mention a challenging home life...to put it mildly.  Today we were reading Freckle Juice.  After working his hardest just to get through a couple of pages, trying trying trying, he looked at me, smiled, and said, "I like reading now!"

And my heart melted.  I teach for moments like this.

End of the School Year, Moving Madness, and "oh my gosh where is my summer going?!?"

Ummm how is it already June 18th?!?  Is it just me, or is anyone else having anxiety about summer passing by too quickly???  I feel like just yesterday I was packing up my classroom, shoving things into boxes and cabinetes, and covering my book shelves with butcher paper...

God, the room looks depressing like this...

I realize this is irrational and silly, but I feel like summer is going to be over before I even have a chance to relax!  Since I got home from my wonderful Florida-Atlanta-Mud-fest-Snake-Terror-Beach vacation Wednesday, I have been going going going NONSTOP!  With what, you ask?  Well (drum roll.)...I am in the process of moving!  After I graduated from college in 2009 with a teaching job near my hometown, I decided to make the smart girl decision and move back in with mom and dad.  I've lived with my parents for the past two years, taking advantage of the lack of rent and living expenses to pay off my student loans, make a dent in my car payments, and save some money too.  I have liked living at home (especially since my dad started experimenting with vegetarian cooking in the past year and a half!  score!), but decided that this summer I needed to put my big girl pants on and start learning to take care of myself!

To make a long story short, I looked at a total of TWO apartments in the area and loved one so much I immediately filled out an application.  The catch was that the apartment was available IMMEDIATELY, so if I wanted it, I had to start a lease NOW.  HUH?  I wasn't planning on moving out until July or August, if not September!  I had next to NOTHING to fill an apartment with, aside from my chipped college dishes, my coffee maker, and an ABUNDANCE of martini glasses...sooo the past 3 1/2 days have basically been a frenzy of shopping (and spending buckets of money...), packing, and schleping heaps of my stuff to the apartment...it is coming together, but there is still a LOT I have to pack here at mom & dad's...and a lot of random junk I have to toss!  I'm excited though, and can't wait to show you pictures once I have all of my furniture and things are in order!!

ANYWAYS, the summer is just flying by and I haven't even blogged about the end of the school year!  OOPS!  On the second to last day of school, I started our morning with a long, quiet writing session, during which I had the students write letters to me answering a series of questions about the year.  Some of these asked about their proudest moment, their favorite activity, and the best book they read...as is ALWAYS the case when I read journals, some of their responses are too fantastic not to share...

 This year has been the best.  I wish that I could stay in 5th grade, but I have adventures to seek when I go to every other grade.

One of my favorite things about working closely with kids is the special, unique kind of relationship you form. To me, I know I'm doing my job in building relationships when kids *need* to tell me random things.  This is a perfect example... :)

HAH!  So much honesty :)

A couple that were IMPOSSIBLE to decipher from the photos I took...

My proudest moment was when we were doing family living.  It was my proudest moment because I got to find out how most of the body parts work.  Also because all of the 5th grade boys were acting mature.  That was a proud moment because we weren't acting like children.

^What can I even say... :-D

My favorite thing we did in fifth grade was writer's workshop because we got to use computers and because it was our change to become a better writer.  Writing was my favorite because when every one wanted to conference with you you tried your best to get to everyone you could.  Writing was also my favorite because you tried your best to let everyone share their creative writing.  All I want to say is that everyone writing is great.

^This one is probably my favorite.  It really captures the essence of writing workshop--everyone writing, sharing writing, and celebrating writing, as well as growing together as a COMMUNITY of writers.  This student GOT IT!  I teach for moments like this :)

I have to say, while I LOVE LOVE LOVE summer and do NOT want it to be over, I really loved. this. year.  So many negative things have been going on in my building and school wasn't so much a happy place the last few months of the year (I'll explain more later this summer...), but I loved my class.  This was the class I needed this year--after my rough 1st year, this class helped me fall in love with teaching again.  Let's hope I get lucky again next year!!! :)

Once there was a teacher...and she loved her students...

Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy...

And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves 

and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. 

He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. 

And they would play hide-and-go-seek. 

And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. 

And the boy loved the tree.......very much. 

And the tree was happy.

-The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein

Here's the truth:
I have another cold-turned-something-awful (I'm thinking sinus infection...).
I am losing my voice AGAIN.
I am exhausted from having to repeat the same few directions over and over to the same few students.
I am overwhelmed that I now have SIX (yes 6) kids on behavior charts that must be filled out after EVERY subject.
I am frustrated that it's April and my neediest reader is still not receiving the services he needs, no matter how much I try to get them for him.
I'm tired.

But today, I read The Giving Tree aloud while 22 fifth graders sat at rapt attention in a circle at my feet.  And suddenly it was all worth it.  Sharing my favorite books with my kiddos is absolutely my favorite part of my job.  Watching them fall as much in love with them as I am is even better.

goodreads.com

Reading this story aloud and discussing the powerfully simple plot reminded me again how much potential my students have...to think...to wonder...to care...

Today 5th graders talked about how their parents are like the Giving Tree, because they are happy to give them what they need, and don't ask anything in return.
They talked about how they can be like the Giving Tree when they share with younger siblings.
They talked about how they should show more thanks to the people that you love, shocked that the boy in the story didn't say thank you to the tree.
They talked about how their grandparents are like the Giving Tree, because no matter how long they're away, they are so happy to see them.
They talked about how when you give happiness away, you sometimes get it in return.
They talked about being generous to those you love.
They talked about appreciating what you have.

shelsilverstein.com

When, on the page where the boy carries off the tree's branches (like a knife to my heart, that one gets me every time...) I said, "This picture makes me feel a lot of things in my heart.  What does it make you feel?", the kind of question you might think 5th graders would laugh or smirk or reply sarcastically to...my class responded from their hearts.  And I was touched by their thoughts.

And even though sometimes I feel like the Giving Tree, bark and branches stripped away after I have given them every ounce I have during a school day...they are learning.  They are growing.  And I am happy.

The One who Gets It.

I've written before about how I adore reading aloud to my class.  Last year's group was a little screwy on the carpet, so I didn't make time for read aloud as much as I should have because it frequently gave me a headache.  This year I was determined to a) make time on a regular basis to read aloud to the class, and b) choose novels to start with that would instantly hook them and make them fall as much in love with read aloud as I am.

source

Enter Wayside School.  I started reading Sideways Stories from Wayside School aloud to the group the first week of school, and was overjoyed when I realized that I could sit down in my chair, start reading quietly, and the kids would magically settle down, and even shush each other if conversations were continuing.  They'd be silent almost instantly!  Also, if I paused partway through because they were disruptive (and let me clarify, the disruption while I read these books usually consists of them getting over-excited about something I just read), they will immediately quiet down and wait expectantly for more.  They will beg me to read another chapter.  It is music to my ears.  We just finished Wayside School is Falling Down, and I am excited to start book 3, Wayside School Gets a Little Stranger on Monday.

Sometimes, when things are hectic, Read Aloud gets pushed to the side.  It's tough to make time for things that don't have an automatic correlation to ISAT testing when there is always so, so much to be done...I mean well, really, but when it comes down to it, it's often that thing that gets skipped when the schedule is tight.  I know how beneficial it is to kids, though; listening to a novel teaches fluency, expression, helps with comprehension, and, #1, the most important reason...it gets kids HOOKED ON READING.  (when done correctly with the right books!)  Like I said, though, it's tough to see any immediate payback from an unstructured activity like this.  Most of the time, it's crossing your fingers and hoping that these benefits do happen!

This week, though, I was lucky:
When I was absent Tuesday, my fabulous literacy specialist and fabulous friend Mrs. J was helping my class out with reading.  She asked one of kiddos to read aloud to her a little bit, and she was pleasantly surprised that when he began, he was reading with expression and emotion, even doing voices for different characters!  This is NOT typical of the average 5th grader, much less 5th grade boy!  After a pause, she exclaimed, "Wow!  Do you always read like that?"  He responded, "I didn't used to, but Miss Teacher reads aloud to us, and she reads like that, and she does all these voices!  It's so much more fun!  So I started reading like that too, and it makes reading so much fun!  Sometimes, at home I even close the door to my room and read out loud so I can do voices too."  Big smile.

And that is why I will continue to make time in my crowded schedule for something that has nothing to do with test scores, but everything to do with what I believe in as a teacher.  Maybe not every student is suddenly reading with fluency and emotion, but this ONE student is, and sometimes one is more than enough.

I teach for moments like this.

Dear Miss Teacher,

This post-it was waiting for me on my desk yesterday morning when I came back from being sick:

Best part of my week. :)

Yes!!! Now, THIS is what I'm talking about!!!

At the end of the day today, I discovered one of the kiddos' writing journals on my desk with a post-it sticking out of it.  On the top of the post-it was written, "Please read this," and it was marking a story that this kiddo has been working on for the past week and a half or so.  After our Desert Voices lesson awhile back, the students did quick-writes from animals' points of view.  After reading this student's story this afternoon, I had a big smile on my face--HE TOTALLY GOT IT!!! YES!  I would have taken a picture of the journal, but this student is something of a minimalist--he writes sooo lightly with his pencil and uses such tiny printing that I can barely read it!  But I don't say anything because it is VASTLY superior to the chicken scratch that is most fifth graders' handwriting...  Anyways, here is his amazing piece:

What am I?  I have four legs and I am very fast.  you guessed it, I am a cheetah hunting for my cuvs.  My cubs are with me also.  Im teaching them how tp hunt./  I am very fast leaping over rocks and cactus.  I am leaving my cubs.  I better slow down.  OH NO I see a lion right behind my cubs.  So i fight the lion off while my cubs are still running.  I am so tired so then I just decide to run to catch up to my cubs.  I roar and give my cubs the signal to find a good place to hide.  So then i dashed up and that's when my cubs stop because they are tired.  I try to encourage them to keep going but the lion is far back so I wait with my cubs as I see the lion more and more.  My cubs finally aren't tired no more so I grabbed them by their neck with my mouth and I run.  I am very worried for my cubs.  All of a sudden I hear a huge roar.  I see a humongous family.  I am very worried for my cubs.  Since lions hunt in packs I'm scared too.  My family tried to run but then... 
TO BE CONTINUED!

Oh writing workshop...thank you for teaching my students to love writing. :)

THIS is why I teach

This afternoon I my 5th grade kiddos magically transformed into pre-school kiddos.  I'm not sure why, but suddenly I was staring at a group of little babies and had to put on my mean Viola Swamp teacher voice.  Yikes!!  Here it is:

I have about 18 pillows in the classroom, ranging in size from huge to tiny.  I bought them when I started doing Daily 5 last year because part of the idea is to spread the kids out and help them find comfy seats all around the room in their own space.  The pillows help a little with that.  Last year I had them very well trained about sharing the pillows, and I have been working very hard to train this group too.  The thing is, I have a very immature group of boys this year, and they honestly are pitiful when it comes to sharing.  This afternoon, I banned pillows (possibly permanently, possibly temporarily).  I had some VERY grumpy 5th graders, including 2 having temper tantrums.  I'm serious, we're talking laying on the floor making, "Hmph!  Hmph!" pouting noises and covering faces with their books.  Umm, what the hell grade do I teach???

ANYWAYS, last year this would have made me SO ANGRY.  But this year, I'm over it.  We're working on it.  And it's kind of comical, in retrospect...
You're probably wondering about the title of this post by now--no that's not the reason I teach.  I definitely DON'T teach to get to yell at kids and witness temper tantrums.

This is why I do teach:
Last year I blogged constantly about a certain tough child who made my life hell and literally almost made me quit.  We worked SO HARD to make growth last year and he made such amazing progress.  By the end of the year, I would look at him sometimes with tears in my eyes, amazed at how far he had come.  While CERTAINLY not perfect, what a difference.  I am a better teacher because of him and what we went through together last year.  Over the summer, his family moved to another school in the district.  I couldn't believe it--I had "wished" for him to move HUNDREDS of times last year, but then by this point, when I found out he actually was moving, I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be able to see him in the hallway and share what we'd worked on with his new teacher.

Anyways, yesterday his mom emailed me!  She told me how well her son is doing and how she is so proud of how far he's come.  She thanked me for all of my hard work and support last year, and said how she missed me.

It brought tears to my eyes.  I teach for moments like this.

a happy little post-it

After all of that commotion yesterday, I finally did have my observation today.  Only after realizing on my drive home last night that I had rescheduled the lesson for the exact same time we had our class pictures appointment. Obviously. :)  Thankfully, it was no problem to bump up our pictures time, although it did mean rearranging some other things in the schedule, but I am learning that being a good teacher = being flexible.  And I'm working on it. ;)

Anyways, today, Mister Principal showed up right on time, and the lesson went great.  As one of our last "Ideas" lessons before we dive into some revising/editing practices, I read a selection from Desert Voices by Byrd Baylor, an author I immediately became attached to when my fabulous methods of science teacher read us Everybody Needs a Rock.  The book is written from different desert animals' points of view, and describes their daily activities in the desert.  Then, the kids came up with their own ideas for writing from animal perspectives, and wrote 5-minute "quick writes" from an animal's point of view, describing their actions.  Then of course we had the usual writing time.  The kids did a great job and the lesson went well.  I have the post-observation meeting (our first using our newly adopted Danielson Framework), but I feel good about it, partly because my principal left the following post-its on my computer:

As teachers, we do so much.  We work so hard, give so much, and are underpaid and far too often under appreciated.  What's more, it's so easy to feel like we can never do enough, especially with the unending criticism from parents, media, and honestly anyone who's ever been in a school and thus thinks this makes them an expert.  Anyways, I digress...but it is so nice to have even just a small affirmation that that I am doing a good job.  No, I don't need constant validation, but it's nice to have your hard work noticed once in awhile. :)

Back on the subject of teaching writing...
Let me just say that my skepticism about Writing Workshop is RAPIDLY draining away.  While I'm still not sure how things are going to go when I start teaching the expository, narrative, and persuasive genres in the next few months, this I know for sure: My students LOVE writing this year.  Even the one who can barely read.  They can write and write and write, and ADORE sharing their writing with the class.  And I believe in my heart of hearts, as I have said time and time again, that the first step to getting a child to make growth in ANY area is to get him or her to FALL IN LOVE with that subject.  Because too often kids just don't care, and if they don't care, they won't grow.  And that is why my goal this year is to capture my students' hearts in reading, writing, math, science, and social studies.
Do I expect them to love everything we do?  Of course not.  But I hope to share with them the same passion for learning that I feel.

One of my favorite teacher quotes: "Education is not the filling of a bucket but the lighting of a fire." (Yeates)

I hope to help them love a part of each subject; hope to plant a spark in them that maybe someday will grow into a fire.

1 of my few talents:

I've never had a lot of fun talents that I could share at parties or in the talent show.  Nope, can't Irish dance or sing or even something silly like tie a cherry stem with my tongue.  I AM though GIFTED at reading aloud.  No seriously.  I excel at read alouds.  Reading aloud to the students is my favorite time of the day.  Last year I didn't make time for it as often as I should have.  This year, I am really making an effort to fit in a few minutes a day.  I love it, the kids love it, and it's a great opportunity to expose the kids to grade level text and model fluency.  But I digress.

In my attempt to make my fifth graders fall as deeply in love with read alouds as I am, I decided to start the year with a silly read aloud.  I chose Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar, one that cracked me up as a 5th grader.  My kiddos DIED over it--they laughed constantly and would actually quiet down and listen intently when I started reading!  

We finished Sideways yesterday afternoon, and I immediately pulled out book two, Wayside School is Falling Down.  Anyways, yesterday afternoon I had a grade-level planning meeting to work on our interventions, so my kids were with a sub (side note: one of my library checked out calculators seems to have disappeared during that time...sweet...), and she read the first few pages of Falling Down aloud.  Today, I pulled out the book and asked how they were liking the beginning of it.  I was SHOCKED when the kids gave me a lukewarm response!  "Eh, it was okay." 

I gasped, "What, you're not liking it?!?"

Someone volunteered, "Well, the sub read it to us."

Half joking, I responded, "What, she wasn't as good at reading aloud as me??" 

"No!  She wasn't!!!"

And that's what made my morning: not only have I succeeded in my goal of getting my kiddos to LOVE listening to a read aloud, but they think Wayside School is funnier when I read it. :)

Not that I need constant reaffirmation, but it is nice every once in awhile... ;)  I teach for moments like this...

Touching Musings from a Tough Child

One of my little darlings is quite the handful.  (Well, MANY are handfuls, but one in particular keeps me up at night)  This child has frequent "temper tantrums" throughout the day, triggered sometimes by the tiniest thing, and other times by nothing at all.  He will throw his papers off his desk, slump down, and "grumble" to himself for about 5 minutes.  I typically ignore, or ignore as best as I can...Anyways, this child can barely read.  He has been at 8 schools by 5th grade and obviously has an unstructured home life to put it mildly.  He is disorganized and easily frustrated.  He does not have an IEP, although he would probably qualify for one, because he has never been in one place long enough to be truly evaluated.  So you can imagine that, even when he drives me freakin' crazy, I have a soft spot in my heart for him.  Deep, DEEP down.

Today he refused to start his writing.  I gave him some time to start on his own, but then decided to try stepping in.  With most "grumbly" kids, I would hesitate before offering them help mid-pouting, as it may inadvertently reinforce an idea that pouting will get them what they want.  But I had a pretty good idea that this child had given school everything he had to give that day, and that writing was just too tough for him at that point.  I offered to write the words for him if he would dictate, and he jumped at the chance.  For some kids, the ones with serious decoding gaps, that is really what they need.  Anyways, this child then proceeded to dictate paragraphs about how wonderful his mom is.  He "wrote" that she is a single mom with three kids, and works so hard to support them.  He wrote about how she gets them everything they need, feeds them, and supports them.  He wrote about how much he loves her for all she does for him and his two siblings.

I was in awe of this child.  Sometimes, in situations like this especially, it's easy to get caught up in how much there is to teach a child that's as behind as this one.  We get so caught up in the daunting task ahead of us that we forget how much there is to learn as a teacher.  There is so much we can learn from the children in our classrooms if we are open to it.  Today I was in awe of a child who can barely read, who wants for so much, but who, at age 10, appreciates his mother in ways many adults never do.  I am honored that this child trusted me enough to let me put his words to paper for him, and am humbled by the maturity he showed through them.  He has experienced things that I will never know or understand.  He has been let down by many, many people.  Yet he still has faith in his mother, and realizes what a tough job she has.  Even though the rest of our day together was anything but easy, it was all worth it to share this special moment.  I teach for moments like this.

Might seem like small potatoes, but...

First week down, and here's how I know we're on the right track:

• The kids knew exactly what to do when they came into the classroom this morning
• They also knew exactly what to do after lunch
• When I took them out for an afternoon recess, they started lining up IMMEDIATELY when I raised my hand as the "time to go back inside" signal
• The floor was clean at the end of the day again today
• Everyone turned in their homework 
• They paid attention and giggled through a 2-chapter read aloud from Sideways Stories from Wayside School (I could barely have last year's group sit together on the carpet because they'd always be "bothering each other")

Here's how I know I'm doing my job:

• When I told one kid I still hadn't seen the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie, he told me he owned it and offered to bring it in so I could borrow it
• I got a paper cut during lunch time and had two students in the room making up some homework.  One is a student who I know will be a challenge this year.  He has had a great first week, but I know that he has some emotional problems and has had both a tough life and a history of behavior problems (the latter being due to the former).  Anyway, as I was grabbing myself a band-aid, this student looked up from his work and asked, plain and simple, "Is it okay?"

^That may not seem like much, but it made my entire day.  This child has been at 8 schools in the past 5 years, comes in late frequently and occasionally stays home for no reason other than that he doesn't have a family supportive enough to make sure he's in school, and I'm sure has a million other things going on that neither can I understand or imagine.  And he's making sure my paper cut is okay.  3 simple words that show we are on our way to building a relationship.  I teach for moments like this.

This is going to be a good year.

And now I'm off to lay on my bed and read, all I want to do (other than sleep) this entire weekend... :)

What touched my heart today:

As my focus as of late has been on the frantic packing of my classroom, I'd like to share the two moments this afternoon that made the whole day so special (and almost made up for the desk-cleaning-out-hell of the afternoon...):

While I have many difficult students, there are two in particular who tend to take the cake when it comes to disruption.  Both have really great personalities and soooo much potential, and both have come so far this year.  Both also have pretty severe ADHD that makes them impulsive and at times flat out out-of-control.  Anyways, today, one of the two students brought me a small gift bag when he came into the room.  I opened it over lunch and found a glazed ceramic puppy.  (SO not my taste, but so, so, so adorable nonetheless).  When I read the card from his mother and him, I was absolutely touched to hear that the two of them had glazed it together (it looked really professional!) and fired it.  This student had also scrawled a note in the card saying, "Thanks for dealing with me."  While part of that note makes me sad, part of it for some reason I can't explain is very touching.  I will keep my little puppy statue on my bookshelf in the room next year, and always think of the adventures with this goofy student who both drives me CRAZY and makes me laugh.


Later, during my bookshelf-wrapping mania this afternoon, my classroom phone rang.  On the caller ID I saw a familiar name and number--the mother of my MOST challenging student, with whom I have spoken so many times this year I had her number memorized at one point.  Let me just take a moment to sing her praises:  While my phone calls and meetings with her have been difficult, as her son has brought me to tears more than once with his behavior struggles, she is one of the kindest, most supportive parents I have had the pleasure of meeting.  She truly wants what's best for her son, and respects me as a professional.  She is kind and easy to talk to, both taking my severe calls seriously and celebrating with me when I call for happy reasons.

Today was a happy call.  She called to thank me for the patience I have shown her son this year, and to tell me what a good teacher I have been for him.  We both rejoiced at the progress her son has made in the past few months, making almost a complete turn around (while he is no angel, he has come SO FAR).  It meant so much to me to both hear her supportive, positive comments and to celebrate with her about her son, both of our voices so filled with pride.  I know I will never forget her son and what he has taught me, but also I will never forget her.  I hope that I can be a mother like that one day: one who sees the good in her child, sees his potential for greatness, and sees the other adults in his life not as competition or under scrutiny, but allies in the fight for her child's well being.


I truly teach for moments like this:  moments of feeling that my time is appreciated, moments of celebrating my students' growth, and moments of just love love loving my job.  These boys have just about given me gray hair this year, but I am so grateful that they were in my class, as they have taught me more than they can know.

We speak for the trees!

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It's not.
The Lorax

I remember about a month into the school year my friend asked me if I loved my new job. More than anything, I was irritated by this question. Do I love it? Was she kidding? Some days I could barely even get myself out of the car when I got to school in the mornings. Why didn't she understand how hard it was? But had she understood how hard it was, she of course would have said, "so quit!" That would have outraged me just as much. Quit? Quit on my students? How could she even suggest that???


The thing about teaching is that it's a love/hate kind of job. There is so much stress and so many little things to drive you crazy, but every good teacher knows that she could never, ever be doing anything else.
Today I was thinking about that question, and about how far I've come this year. Here's the thing--no, I don't know that I would say I LOVE everything about school right now. The kids still make me crazy and I am still stressed out sometimes. But I have come to realize that it's not about loving every single moment of every single day. It's about loving a few moments out of everyday. As long as those moments are the big ones, it's worth it.

For example, today was earth day.  Instead of doing our regular shared reading from the literacy series, I read The Lorax.  Just a quick word on reading Dr. Seuss aloud:  I love love love attempting to pronounce the bizarre with enthusiastic rhythm and voices.  Anyways, I digress.  So, I read The Lorax, a book that still gives my vegetarian peace-loving eco friendly self absolute chills every time I read it, and was so thrilled that my (rowdy) students actually enjoyed sitting on the carpet and listening.  We had a great discussion about the literary elements in the book, the author's purpose, and how the colors in the illustrations affect the mood of the book.  But more importantly, we had a wonderful conversation about the environment and wrote pledges for helping the earth.  Will this realistically change the students' ideals?  Not likely.  But at least they were talking about it. 

And this was one of those times that I can look back and say with utter certainty, "Yes, I loved teaching that today."  Did I love every moment of today?  No, I did not love when I had to yell at a student for writing a hurtful note to another student, or when I had to reprimand a student for running in the classroom and he was nearly in tears over it, or when one of my more challenging students couldn't find his scissors and proceeded to almost melt down over it, spending the next hour grumbling (audibly) about how someone stole his scissors or something along those lines...no, those moments I didn't love. 

But it is worth all those moments and so many more to experience those moments that really touch my heart, like reading The Lorax aloud on Earth Day.

I teach so parents see what their children are capable of:

From an email to a parent
Re: Child's Social Studies Project
Hi [parent],
I just wanted to drop you an email and let you know that I am grading the travel brochure [your child] just finished on his colony, and he did a fantastic job! He worked very well with his partner, and I can really see his unique, humorous touch on the brochure. I'll give the boys their grade next week, but I am very impressed. I thought you should know right away what a good job he did!
Have a great weekend,
Miss Teacher
________________________________________
Response:

Wow! Thank you so much for letting me know. Such a HUGE difference in [my child] these last couple weeks. He comes in my car every day when I pick him up happy that he had a good day in school. I was going to email you and [principal] this week to thank you both. [My child] had kind of a rough year since July and what you both did for him made all the difference. I think he has really stepped it up, so thank you again for letting me know. It's so important that we get on the kids when they fall off track but so important to praise them when they do well also! Thank you both!




These are the moments that, even when I seem to be doing so many things wrong, that I know I have done at least one thing right.
I teach for moments like this.

Conferences, Round 2

Today was one of those rare days that, against all odds, turns out happy.  It definitely didn't start that way though!  First, I woke up at 3am from a horrible, cold-sweats nightmare about today's parent conferences (seriously that bad!!), then woke up 50 minutes after my alarm went off.  Normally I would just throw my hair in a ponytail, grab something clean, and make my way out the door, but what with those pesky conferences I figured I should at least try to not show up smelly and looking like a 12 year old.  Thanks to a resourceful method of holding the blow dryer in one hand and eating pancakes with the other (I promise I'm not making this up), I somehow was ready to go CLOSE to my planned leaving time.  Of course I did notice halfway through the hair drying that there was definitely still some conditioner in my hair (note to self: quick showers are only effective when hair is properly rinsed), but what can you do.  THEN, as I'm getting ready to go, I poured my coffee and it tasted TERRIBLE.  Not sure what's wrong with my coffeemaker, but this just will not do.  After all this, I finally made it to school with 20 minutes to spare before my morning conference.  Phew.

Anyways, after all that the morning went well with the kiddos.  We reviewed expectations for the student-led conferences and rearranged the desks into "conference corners."  Yes, after all my moaning and groaning, I decided I might as well embrace the student-led conference format my school uses.  This meant that I had two families at a time in the room for most conferences, and floated between them.  The kids walked their families through their MAP test scores, trimester goals, and work portfolios.  I added my 2 cents and answered questions, but they were mostly running the show.  It wasn't as weird as I expected to have two conferences going on at once, but I don't know how any teacher would do more than 2!  Some had 4 conferences at once!  That just seems excessive...

Anyways.  Conferences went amazingly well (minus the phone call I received at 8am from a parent whose son brought home the reminder notice the previous evening and had somehow not brought home any of the previous reminders I'd sent so she hadn't known to take off work...my, we have SO very much to discuss at his conference...).  By the end of the (long) evening, I was left not so much with a feeling of exhaustion, but with a feeling of pride.  I've spent hours and hours lately agonizing about these stupid ISATs.  All these practice tests and writing prompts have left me feeling LESS prepared somehow, and mostly just feeling disappointed in myself and my students. 

But today, looking at those MAP scores and work samples, and reflecting about their growth so far this year, I realized, maybe for the first time, that they have grown.  tremendously.  It was amazing to see how excited the kids were to share their work with their parents, and really rewarding to be reminded how far they've come.  Yes, there were a few conferences where all the news wasn't so positive, but there were no real surprises for the parents.  As exhausting as conferences are, there is something really special about hours of telling parents all the wonderful things about their child--and really meaning it.  I teach for moments like this. 

Does the grading ever stop?

While I haven't had the pleasure of enjoying a COMPLETELY school-free winter break (see previous posts about what has kept me busy), I had up until now almost completely avoided the bin o' grading sitting on the floor in my office.  Every now and then I'd glance at it or rifle through the papers as if to check if they had miraculously graded themselves, but no such luck.  Today my very good friend Miss R and I spent a happy afternoon of grading, movies, and cookies on my family room floor.  (is it sad that the only time we can spend together must involve grading multi-tasking?)  Anyways, I actually made a huge dent in the grading bin, not to mention had a great time catching up with Miss R and sharing all sorts of ideas for school.  You know what they say...you can take a teacher outta school, but can't take the school outta the teacher... sad, but oh. so. true.

Well, one of the big items I had to grade were my Heroes expository essays.  Yes, those expositories I had them start on in November.  How did I manage to drag them out until winter break?  I have no idea, but somehow it happened.  With them being written over such a looong period of time, I was really dreading grading them, expecting them to be pretty "interesting."  In fact, I was pleasantly surprised!!  Many of even my generally average writers really bared their souls sharing why these special people are their heroes.  Some of their reasons again reminded me of the realities of these children's lives: admiration for parents who manage to get food on the table, gratitude for parents who risked losing their jobs waiting tables to stay home with their sick child, love for fathers who love their child even though their mothers left with the kids years ago...beautiful, and more than one left me with absolute chills. 

Today was one time when I was absolutely proud and just awestruck at more than one of my students.  One described the way his dad cares for those around him, and makes him want to be a good person and care for his family too, just like dad.  So often when I look at these children, I think about how they are all in such a hurry to grow up as fast as possible.  It is refreshing to know that they are still kids who idolize their parents.  And it is even more refreshing to realize that they see how hard their families work for them, and that they value things like integrity, character, and values (though none used QUITE those words... ;)

Well, that was the bright spot in my day of epic grading.  Even though those essays were still a pain, between navigating my rubric and writing a note of comments to each child, many of them reminded me why I teach, and why I love children.  Even fifth graders :)

Some big choices

Today I finally started doing a little planning for after break (although the grading is still untouched...) and looking at my lesson plan template, realized that it is sooo close to being January 2010.  Wow, 2010?  When did that happen??  This time last year I was thinking the very same thing about 2009.  2009 had always seemed like that far off in the future year I would eventually graduate from college, and then suddenly, it was here.  Last New Year's I remember thinking that it was the first New Year's when I had absolutely NO IDEA where my life would take me in the next year.  Well, as I sit here typing this in my childhood home at a desk I got when I was about 10, at first it would seem like nothing's changed.  When in reality, soo much has.

Anyways, on that note, with it being both the start of a brand new year and nearly the halfway point of my very first year teaching, I've been doing some thinking about my plans for next year.  When I took this job, I didn't tell a lot of people that I was planning on only staying here for a year before leaving to pursue my life-long dream of service abroad.  But even though I didn't tell everyone, I was fairly certain that that was my plan.  Now that I'm here...things are less clear.  Basically, here's the dilemma:  service abroad is still my dream.  When I think of how amazing it would be to travel to an impoverished country and help improve the schools and train teachers, it feels like the most exciting thing in the world.  But, realistically, when I think about leaving this school...I have second thoughts.

It's not that I love going into work every day and can't imagine every being anywhere else.  On the contrary, while I love teaching and believe this is my life's work, this first year has been incredibly difficult.  It's more that after the hours and hours of blood, sweat, and tears that I have poured into my teaching, my classroom, and my kids these past few months, I cannot imagine leaving and starting over somewhere new.  Everyone told me the first year would be the hardest, and they didn't exaggerate--it has been rough.  But after putting so much effort into building the foundation for my career here, I can't really imagine leaving it behind to start fresh at something else, and then returning to the profession in a few years only to start completely over yet again.  Shouldn't I plant some roots here for while, grow as a teacher, develop a routine?  Shouldn't I hang onto the job I am SO LUCKY to have and learn all I can while I am here?

Shouldn't I.....????

^ A counselor once told me that playing the game of "the shoulds" is a dangerous habit to fall into.  You know, that game where you tell yourself over and over what you "should" and "shouldn't" be doing, thinking, feeling.  Right now, I'm thinking a lot of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" when I consider what I should do here.  The reality is, this may not be the right school for me for the rest of my life.  But how can I leave after just 1 year when there is so much I have to learn and to give back in return?

Another reality is that a little part of me keeps thinking that I have somehow taken the "easy way out" and settled for what is comfortable (yet again).  I am comfortable living here and I am comfortable working another year in the suburbs.  This is more "sure" and definitely more comfortable than taking a huge risk to leave and go live in a third world country for awhile.  But the thing I have to remember is that this job and this career really is ANYTHING but the easy way out.  There is nothing about teaching (and certainly nothing about the school I am at) that is easy.  NOTHING.  And this is not just "some job" that I have for now to pay the bills.  This is a career I am passionate about and a career that allows me a very special opporutnity to help children who really need me and to make a difference in my own community right here in the suburbs.  The truth is, you don't need to travel to the third world to find kids who need love and support and good teachers.  The need is right here.  So as much as a little part of me keeps thinking I've "settled," in reality I've done nothing of the kind.  I have a job that is stimulating, challenging, and meaningful.  And whether I leave or stay, I know in my heart that it can't be because of some "should" I am feeling.  There is no "easy option."

What it boils down to is that I am just a little bit confused.  I thought my late nights of soul-searching would end when I graduated college, but it turns out I am still in the middle of a "quarter-life crisis." Sigh... But honestly, I think I will end up staying right here, learning all I can, and making all the difference I can right in my own little community.

Sharing Books

Last week, I gave one of my very mature students Lois Lowry's The Giver (one of my all-time favorite books).  Nothing makes me smile more as a teacher than recommending my favorite books to children and having them fall as deeply in love with them as I am.  Today, she finished it and wanted to discuss the somewhat unsettling ending with me.  And of course I was happy to find 5 minutes at the end of lunch to kneel by her desk and talk...because I teach for exactly this kind of moment.

Courage

"Everyone has a talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."
-Erica Jong, author

I guess I have to keep telling myself that no one ever said this is easy.  Like one of my favorite books, The Alchemist says, when you are following your personal legend, your life's work, the struggles are greater, but so are the gains.  This is so frustrating because I so desparately want to succeed.  I am so exhausted because I care so much.  This child brings out such rage and saddness in me because I am so emotionally invested in him.  As my principal reminded me the other day, this is not just my job, it is my career and my craft.  This is my life's work, and like Erica Jong said, sometimes following a talent brings you through some struggles.  I guess I just have to accept this as one of the low points, and remember that it's not always going to be like this.