More than a Test Score?

 After taking our district's winter standardized tests last week, I had been working on a post about how I get my students all pumped up for our trimester-ly testing in math and reading--you know, the chants, the goal setting, etc.  But today I am in a bit of a funk and testing is the reason why, so that post is on hold for now as I'm experiencing a bit of a teacher-wallow tonight.  Let me back up--we take MAP tests (Measure of Academic Progress--or is it proficiency? who can keep the acronyms straight!) three times a year in math and reading.  The tests are taken on the computer and generate a score, a percentile, and growth targets for winter and spring testing for each student in each subject area.

Our elaborate goal-setting sheets

My district is crazy data-driven, as I know they are all coming to be, and place a lot of weight (read: pressure) on these tests...I'm talking tons of goal setting time, reflecting on the goals, poring over data in fancy schmancy data analysis programs, etc.   We talk about our grade level and classroom's scores at our evaluations (although they are not TECHNICALLY part of them...yet...) and reflect on the students  progress like crazy.  This all means, you guessed it, that the pressure is on like whoa.  When I proctor MAP, I walk around the room sneaking peeks at the kids' questions and responses on their computers, growing more and more nauseous every time I see a kid answer a question wrong.  When they raise their hand to let me know they have finished and that their score is displayed on their computer screen, as I'm walking over to check their score, I am pretty much 100% of the time terrified that they didn't make their growth target or worse--went down a few points.  The kids feel the pressure for sure, but I'm positive that I feel it more.  

We took our Math and Reading MAP tests last week.  My kids did great overall, especially in reading.  We celebrated our growth, recognized our hard work, and were feeling pretty great.  Then today I looked more closely at the data from my math class.  We use a guided math structure in our building and are lucky enough to have a support teacher help out with guided groups a few days a week.  I have 4 groups--an approaching group, a bubble group, and two on/on+ groups.  After trying to cram an entire 90min Everyday Math lesson into 30 minutes, I typically meet with my approaching group every day, then check in with my on groups to answer questions, check work on their independent tasks, etc.  My support teacher meets with my bubble group MWF for a full 25 minutes, then that group is on their own Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don't have the support.  

Goal Setting, Goal Setting, Goal Setting!

I thought this structure was working well for the most part--the kids are doing great on classroom assessments, the high kids who see me very little did AWESOME on MAP and are clearly making growth with the support they are getting, and my approaching group showed some big gains.  However, when I looked closely at specific scores, kids, and growth targets this afternoon, I realized that 6/7 kids in that bubble group made very little growth on their MAP tests.  Crap.

The more closely I looked at the numbers and the more I thought about these kids this afternoon, the more my heart sank.  While my support teacher is great and is a certified teacher, the fact is that she isn't there everyday to work with that group and isn't in the room when I teach the shared lesson for Math so that she can reinforce it verbatim in guided groups.  It's not her fault these kids didn't make growth.  But for me right now I can't escape this awful feeling:

It's all my fault.

Anyone else feel like that?  I sure do.  It's my fault that these kids didn't make more growth--I didn't check in on them enough, I didn't make enough time for them...I just feel rotten tonight.  Last year at my old school, I remember telling friends that I truly felt my administrators believed that if my kids didn't make growth that it would be 100% my fault.  It was awful.  I just want to be clear that I am not getting that message AT ALL this year from my administrators and teammates.  But how can I not feel like that when the data is there in black and white??  

After feeling like an awful teacher and bad person this afternoon--I know, I know, I'm not!--I am thinking about testing.  When did testing become this crazy powerful force?  It's hard to escape the feeling that my worth as a teacher is nothing more than a test score--even though I KNOW my principal doesn't believe that.  Don't get me wrong--testing and accountability and progress monitoring are SO IMPORTANT.  Our testing gives us such valuable data about our kids.  And this particular situation with my kiddos opened my eyes to an issue in my math structure that I can and will correct now, halfway through the year, which is awesome.  It's just so defeating sometimes to think, "Man, I was working SO HARD to make kids A, B, C, and D make growth...how did I miss these kids..."

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There are just times I look at situations like this or think about how I'm feeling about testing--how much I worry and how many times I go over their scores and growth--and I have to wonder if there's a better way.  My college ed professor had a bumper sticker on her car that said "My Child is More than a Test Score."  I KNOW my kids are more than data points.  They are children.  This test does not measure the joy they experienced as they solved that super tricky math problem or the way they shot up their hand to share a deep thought during our class read aloud.  My kids are more than test scores.  But am I?  Are we as teachers nothing more than our test scores? 

Anyways...I am trying to come up with a coherent closing thought, but needless to say it's been a long day...

Would love to hear your thoughts about testing in general...

Do you get as wrapped up in test scores as me?  

NOTE:  I am 100% NOT writing this post to get affirmations of "You are a good teacher!"  or "Testing sucks!"  Just getting out my thoughts and feelings and looking to hear some of your thoughts too.

Triathlon Training Tuesday: Giving 110% and FINALLY Embracing Freestyle

Can I tell you a secret?  I don't always like to push myself.  Yup, I can be a creature of comfort, loving the feeling of a routine.  One area of tri training that I have definitely NOT been pushing myself this summer was swim training.  Yes, I conquered my fears of open water swimming, but to be honest, I've been swimming SHORTER distances since I started tri training than I used to swim as part of regular running cross training!  How did that happen?  That does not even make sense!

I'm pretty mediocre at every aspect of triathlon, but my swimming is pretty much Terrible.  Sorry for all the money you spent on lessons, Mom and Dad, but none of it really sunk in!  Let me spell it out for you: I'm a breaststroker.  Period.  For the past few years since I rediscovered the wonders of weightless cross training in the pool, breaststroke has been my go-to stroke.  This winter when I first started thinking about triathlons, I decided to give freestyle another chance.  How bad could it be?  I used to swim this stroke as a kid.  I was in shape.  Every other swimmer at the gym seemed to be able to swim freestyle without issues.  Why not me?  So I tried a lap...and almost drowned.  Not even kidding.  I remember thinking, "What the *$&#$???  What is happening here?  Why did I almost just die in the pool when I can swim 1,000yds of breaststroke without blinking an eye?"  (<- that may be an exaggeration, but you get the picture.)  I decided to take it in stride (in stroke?) as a challenge to work on during the winter, and I had big plans to be able to swim freestyle for my June tri.  Then...I didn't.

Awesome breaststroking action.  Yep. I'm that swimmer who actually stopped to WAVE to her family.  

Hardcore athlete right here, folks.

Swimming got put on the back burner during the end of my half-marathon training in April, and when I made it back to the pool in May, I got a little freaked out.  I couldn't swim more than a lap or two of freestyle without hyperventilating, and hyperventilating was NOT something I wanted to happen in open water! (Hah. The joke was on me, it turns out, as I hyperventilate for at least 1 minute any time I attempt an open water swim freestyle or no freestyle...)  I said, "Screw it.  I'm swimming breaststroke and just trying not to drown." My swim workouts settled into an easy pattern of breaststroke laps, never exceeding the 1/2 mile distance I needed for my tri, regardless of the fact that I'd previously exceeded this distance on a regular basis.  I was comfortable.  Life was good.  I froggy kicked my way through my first tri and every swim workout since.

 Let me be clear: There is ABSOLTELY nothing wrong with swimming breaststroke for a workout or for a tri.  For me though, I'd had a goal to push myself out of my swimming comfort zone and attempt to improve at a stroke that's challenging, and I totally stepped away from the challenge instead of rising up to it. Until last week when I decided enough was enough.   Wednesday morning I was pulling on my swim suit for a workout and noticed the pool in my apartment complex was completely empty.  Is there nothing sweeter than an empty pool?  Oh, maybe an empty pool with the sun shining down on it.  Granted, this pool is maybe 1/2-2/3 the size of my gym pool, but I figured I better embrace this sunny day swimming opportunity, as I'd be longing for the chance come fall!  I jumped in the pool and decided the tiny lengths were the perfect chance for me to practice my abysmal freestyle since I only needed to make it to one end without drowning, sinking, or otherwise embarrassing myself in front of the maintenance workers sanding the patio.


You know what? I totally rocked it and ended up swimming freestyle for almost my entire workout!  I have no idea how long the distance was, but I swam for about 25 minutes which is definitely a new freestyle record.  Then...I forgot to go to the pool again for days...oops.  Was probably too busy playing with this girl...

Sorry, I had to put in an Adorable Niece picture.  Don't even pretend she's not the cutest baby you have ever seen.  That's what I thought.

Yesterday morning I somehow tore myself away from an awesome book (check back tomorrow for my review!) and headed to the gym, ready to jump back in the water.  On my way there, I decided it was time to stop settling for good enough.  I can swim a 1/2 mile of breaststroke with no breaks and no problem.  I can settle and swim that for my tri in August and for my run/swim/run race I'm doing Sunday.  It's fine.  Breaststroke is fine.  1/2 mile is a solid distance.  Is fine really enough though?  Seriously?  I leave it all out there on the road when I'm running; why is the pool any different?  Enough was enough.  It was time to go for it.  I planned my workout in my head, deciding I would do at least 1,250 yds and try to do every other lap freestyle (+ breaststroke warm up and cool down).  I told myself I could do this.  I had this.  Today was the day. 


You know what?  I think I finally hit my freestyle groove!  I have never felt as comfortable with the stroke as I did yesterday!  It was still crazy hard and way harder than breaststroke, but for the first time I felt like I was actually swimming semi-correctly, moving forward, and not on the verge of dying.  Success?  In my book, YES!  I ended up swimming a set of 10 laps (500yds) alternating freestyle/breaststroke, and then swam 10 more alternating 2 freestyle/1 breaststroke, with 4 back-to-back freestyle laps at the end.  I know that may not seem like a big deal, but for me it was like knocking down a HUGE wall! 

I now know that I am capable of swimming freestyle for more than 1 lap at a time, and I'm wondering if it was just my mental block that was holding me back all along.  I know that in my swim/run race Sunday and in my tri, if I get tired or get freaked out about the open water or other swimmers and revert to breaststroke, it will be fine.  But I know now that I have it in me to swim at least part of my distance freestyle, and I also know that I have a lot more in me than I'd previously thought.  I start every day in my classroom with a cheer that goes something like this:

Me: Team (my last name), why are we here?

Students: To learn!

Me: Where are we living?

Students: Above the line! (<- from a Quantum Learning lesson on accountability)

Me: What are we gonna give?

Students: 110%!

I like starting the day this way, with a reminder (for all of us!) that anything less than our best in the classroom is unacceptable.  I needed this reminder when it comes to training, and you can bet I will keep it in my head from now on.  This swim was the beginning of something for me, and while I will never be a great swimmer, you can bet I will NOT be settling for less than MY BEST in the pool again!

Note to self: Never settle for less than 110%.  Oh, and wear sunscreen when swimming in the outdoor pool. That diamond back tan + sports bra tan is doing nothing good for you.

What have you done lately to get our of your comfort zone?

A LONG Week...+ The Saddest Note Ever

This has been a LONG week.  I know that sometimes when i read other teaching blogs, I think about how everyone else has the *perfect* classroom with *perfect* students and *perfectly* organized cabinets...but then I realize that sometimes the bad days are just less fun to blog about!  There's no need for me to go through my week play by play--it is Friday after all.  But I am not feeling great and have had a few students who have been a bit *off* these days...oh, and we ended on a bad note with me upset that the kiddos couldn't get the floor clean until 5 minutes after the bell.  (I'm a stickler about clean floors!)  I know that's nothing huge, but I hate ending the day upset!  Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  (Plus, I've completely fallen apart in terms of my workout/training schedule, and being out of the routine like that always makes me a little down.)

Anyways, I'm committing to making this a relaxing, refreshing, and productive weekend!  I started it off right with some napping in hopes of beating whatever the heck is wrong with me, some Downton Abbey, and a little online shopping...I have a problem...it's bad!!!!  I guess I figure that if I'm not going out and spending money, it's okay to shop a little bit...right??  I just discovered Lands End Canvas via a pinterest pin.  When I hear the words Lands End I think of hiking clothes and this ugly jacket I had from there in 4th grade, so I couldn't believe when I clicked on a pin of an adorable belted dress and was brought to Lands End Canvas!  Super cute clothes, and amazing sales!

In other news, I need to share this adorable note from one of my neediest and challenging students.  He wrote it to me last week after a couple of REALLY trying days together.  I know these kind of things lose their novelty the longer you've been teaching, but I don't think I will ever get tired of this kind of note, especially from a student like this little guy:

Dear miss teacher.  i am so sorry that i refused to do my work.  And refused to ask for help or talk miss teacher you are the best teacher in the world and i act like a Jerk im so sorry miss teacher this will not happen again

sinsely

Student

Oh. my. goodness.  In case you can't tell from the handwriting, spelling, and drawings, this letter is from one of my little LD/ED kiddos.  He struggles with reading, writing, and motor skills in general.  He has all sorts of emotional troubles, and we have had some particularly trying days lately.  On a few different days, this little one basically decided he wasn't going to speak, answer my questions, or follow directions.  (I swear, with my group this year, "I need you to use your words" is by far my most frequently used saying..)  Doesn't this letter just break your heart, though?  When I read the part where he said, "I act like a jerk," I almost cried.  It is so important to be in contact with parents when kids are struggling at school (or when they're successful!), but it breaks my heart when I think about the things that might happen after I call home, especially in a high-needs, low-income school like mine.  For example, I know this student's mother loves him, but I'm pretty sure he didn't come up with the phrase, "I act like a jerk" all on his own.  This difficult student has become one of my favorite kiddos of all this year--funny how that works.

What are you most excited about this weekend?  I'm excited to SLEEP and get healthy!  Oh, and FINALLY get myself back on track with training.  (I am NOT excited to work on grad school HW--just had my first class Tuesday to start working on my Reading masters and am already wondering what I was thinking...)

Being my Best Self

Or, "Why nobody likes a tired, stressed, crabby teacher"

I am EXHAUSTED tonight.  And, for the second night in a row, I'm skipping my workout.  But I'm okay with that.  Yesterday I just wasn't up to it after a rotten day at school (the only cure for which was Mad Men and falling asleep on the couch at 8:30...), and today I think I just need a mental health night after another long (but thankfully not rotten) day.  Oh, and my IT band is HELLA TIGHT again--sweet.  Sometimes I think skipping a run makes it tighter, but I'm hoping a night of foam rolling and icing will help!

It seems like I have a consistent trend of having just plain sucky Mondays at school.  Yesterday was one of those, "And WHY am I a teacher again??" kind of days...the kind of day when I pause and think, "Is there any possible way that I can keep doing this job for the next 30 years?"  Thankfully I don't have those days very often anymore.  You guys, I love teaching.  I love my students.  But the pressure is ridiculous.  I feel more this year than I ever have before that if my kids don't make their projected growth targets, it will be 100% my fault.  It's just a lot to handle sometimes.  Add a nutty group of kids on top of that pressure and it's easy to lose sight of what really matters (and lose my patience...).  I should probably have taken a deep breath and read this sign that I have hanging by my desk a few times...

Adapted from Quantum Learning

Today was MUCH better.  Before the bell rang I committed to giving the day ENERGY.  I forced myself to let go of the stress and worries and frustrations and gave it all I had.  The difference in my kids in comparison to the day before was ridiculous--in an awesome way.  See, when things are breaking down in the classroom it's easy to blame it on those crazy kids, but some times it helps so much to look at your own actions and think, "What can I be doing differently?"  The thing is, when I let the stress GET TO ME, I forget to enjoy teaching.  When I don't enjoy teaching, my kiddos don't enjoy learning.  And of course when my kiddos aren't enjoying learning, they check out.  Give up.  Quit.  And inevitably find one million and one ways to derail my lesson.  This is no good for anyone.

source

Maybe I need this sign hanging by my desk too!

But when I bring energy to my teaching?  It's amazing what they can get excited about.  A few of the kiddos were even talking about how interesting our nonfiction guided reading books about women's suffrage were.  *love*  Really, there's no question that it's worth it.  So, here it is:

Consider this my personal commitment to being my best self every day at school until break (and beyond...).  My students deserve it.  They are worth it.  That means that no matter how stressed and tired I am, I WILL be bringing a high level of energy to every single lesson--even the boring ones on fractions. :)  WHO'S WITH ME??

After a successful day teaching, at 3:00 I found myself staring at....A PROJECT.  I don't know about you, but I'll be in the middle of a task that actually needs to be completed when suddenly I have an overwhelming urge to clean out my closet, rearrange my furniture, or alphabetize my files...(go ahead and mock.  I embraced this psycho part of my personality LONG ago!)  This happens CONSTANTLY in my classroom!  I've reorganized my cabinets and rearranged the furniture more times in the past 3 years than some teachers do in their whole careers.  (Usually when I have stacks of grading or lessons to plan!)  Anyways, I digress.  Last year I shared the simple system I used to keep desk clutter at a minimum...

This worked GREAT for me last year, but to tell you the truth, this year it's done nothing but collect dust.  Well, let me clarify that--I still dumped papers in the "to file" and "to grade" bins, but never emptied them.  "To copy" papers were being stored in piles on my desk.  Why?  No clue.  Consequently the "file" bin help math handouts and random literacy sheets from September that still needed to be filed.  On a high from my high-energy day, I decided to tackle this project.  Of course it evolved to a total reorganization and inevitably a big old mess in the process...

But hallelujah everything is in its place now.  I can rest peacefully tonight. :)  Don't know why I didn't think to take an after picture!  After that project, spending far too long stressing over the formatting on a math test, and stopping at the library to pick up picture books for a literacy lesson, thoughts of running were far long gone, having been taken over by two clear thoughts: GET FOOD and GET OUT OF HEELS asap.  

Sooo after that rambly post, I'm off to eat my effortless dinner, curl up on the couch, and enjoy some mindless Glee.  Oh, and there might be some peppermint ice cream in my near future... (That is, of course, before I start digging into my leg with my foam roller... :)  

Teachers: How do you keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face despite the incredible stress and pressure of the job?

Who's with me on my commitment to being my best self and bringing ENERGY to the classroom??

Bad Attitudes and Good Workouts

It's been awhile!  To tell you the truth, I have been avoiding blogging.  Well, I've half been avoiding blogging and half haven't had the time or energy to blog.  I try to keep a positive, light attitude on the blog, but I haven't been feeling very positive this week.  We are back in school, and are wasting no time digging into intense curriculum.  And I'm more than a little overwhelmed.  I like my class a whole lot--they are really wonderful kids, albeit squirrely and distractable.  When I'm teaching them, I feel good.  But it's that whole other part of teaching--the planning, the data, the standards, the pressure--that's really getting to me.  I've been kind of a hot mess all week and have had a really negative attitude.  I don't really even recognize myself right now!  I know that it is rubbing off on my teammates, and that my stress-induced snippy-ness is probably rubbing people the wrong way.

The truth is, I just haven't been feeling like myself.  

One of my wonderful coworkers sat me down yesterday and had a talk with me about how I need to relax and  simplify and let some things go.  She's noticed I haven't been acting like myself lately, and is concerned that, with so many new teammates and staff in my building this year, I might be giving people the wrong impression about who I am.  Mostly she said she's worried about me.  I really thought about our talk and decided to commit to changing.  I love teaching.  I love it too much to let the "other" stuff get to me.  So I emailed my teammates and apologized for my bad attitude and let them know how much I appreciate them.  Hopefully there are no hard feelings!  I fully plan to bring you a picture-filled, positive, exciting post about the goings-on in my classroom next week!

ANYWAYS, amidst a hectic first full (loooong) week of teaching, I did manage to fit in some good workouts! Monday evening I met my Dad for a bike ride.  Dad and I have been biking together my whole life, and he has always bee way faster than me.  Dad loves long bike rides and has the endurance of a CHAMP, but he isn't into racing or anything.  He rides a hybrid, and I realized Monday that it isn't that DAD is faster than me, it was that his bike was faster than my junky mountain bike.  On my new road bike, I was faster than him!  I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty exciting! :)

Just because I am in love with my bike, here's one more picture...

Anyways, Tuesday evening I convinced my college teacher buddy Miss R to meet me for an evening run!  Miss R is brand new to running (she calls it "jogging"!), and during our run she tested out a pair of my recovery socks.  Needless to say, she loved them too. :)

Thursday we were in the midst of a random heatwave!!!  I put off my run as long as I could, but knew that I needed to head out before it really started getting dark, so I ended up starting my run at 7:30pm in close to 90 degree heat.  Ouch.  It turns out I don't really know what time it gets dark anymore, OR how isolated some parts of my route were, because I really started to get concerned after a couple miles!  Let me tell you: there is nothing like darkness and fear of being kidnapped to get you moving quickly!  I ran my fastest 3 miles since before my injury break.  By no means fast, or even fast for my slow standards, but I'm slowly getting there!

Don't mind my marker-covered fingers!  Hi, I'm a teacher...

What's a sweaty girl to do after a run but lay on a towel on the floor and watch a running documentary?  Earlier this week I watched Hood to Coast--AMAZING!  I cried the whole time.  Thanks again, XLMIC, for the giveaway!  This time, though, it was Running the Sahara.  Also amazing!  I loved it--so inspiring.  Maybe next I'll have to go old school and watch Chariots of Fire or something like that. :)

I've got a couple fun product reviews and giveaways in the works, so stay tuned!!

How do you keep a positive attitude when life gets you down?

What's Going On With My Legs...

Or, Injury one million and one and the big epiphanies and decisions it’s inspired.

(Side Note: Remember to enter my GIVEAWAY!)

Dear Legs,

 I love you.  I really do.  I know it might not always seem like it.  I know I ask you to do crazy things like run 10 miles in a row.  I know I subject you to lengthy foam rolling sessions.  I know I am constantly pummeling you with my fists to get the knots out of your muscles.  I know you’re tired and not so happy with me these days.  But I promise I love you.  Will you please please please get better?  It would make me really happy.

 Love,

     Miss Teacher

Sooo here’s the thing.  I’m injured.  Again.  I KNOW.  You’re probably getting sick of seeing pictures of my legs with ice packs and frozen vegetables saran wrapped to them.  I’m sick of seeing that too.  Needless to say, I’m more than a little frustrated…but yesterday I wrote about choices, and how I am both choosing to think positive and choosing to do the right thing for my body.  So I will attempt to stick by that while talking about what’s new in the land of my aching body…(this is crazy long, so feel free to skip to the end if you’d rather not read a play-by-play of my life as a perpetually injured runner!)  Here’s a little background on my running history…

My Training & MISTAKES:

I ran on and off throughout college, going through phases of running more and less frequently.  I NEVER pushed myself for more than about 2 or 3 miles at a time, and I was okay with that.  Last summer (2010) I started running again with more consistency and decided I wanted to train for the Disney Princess Half-Marathon in February 2011.  I ran a few 5Ks before getting a stress fracture in my right tibia that immediately halted my running.  (I’m still not sure what caused this stress fracture since my mileage was really low, and I hadn’t been doing anything different with running than I’d done previously…)  This injury took a LONG time to heal, and I wasn’t back running again until the end of November. (Unfortunately, I did NOT keep up cross-training during this time…oops.)

After my stress fracture healed, I returned to running and IMMEDIATELY began half-marathon training.  I did not take the time to ease back into running or build up a solid running base at a low mileage before increasing my distances dramatically.  While I took adequate rest days, cross trained, and stretched religiously during training, I experienced a LOT of issues with calf cramping and muscle knots during this time, especially as I increased my distances past 7 miles.  During the Disney Princess Half-Marathon, I began experiencing CRIPPLING IT band/knee pain around mile 7.  I made it through the end of the race with a LOT of walking and quite a bit of pain. :-/  

 

I took a few weeks off running and took it easy when I started returning again.  I ran about 6 miles a week for my first weeks back to running in April.  After I started feeling better, guess what.  I IMMEDIATELY started training for the Rock ‘n’ Roll half-marathon.  Training went really well at first, but after the first few weeks and my first 6 mile long run, both of my IT bands tightened up LIKE CRAZY and stopped me cold again.  I worked on them using the foam roller and stepped back for a couple weeks while I re-built up stamina.  After a few weeks, I started Physical Therapy for the IT bands and was feeling GREAT.  I ran my 7 mile long run, and a 15K (9.3mi) race two weekends in a row.  Guess what?  A few days later my IT bands were, you guessed it, tightening up AGAIN and causing lots of knee pain.  I had to skip my long run entirely the following week because of pain. 

After a few days off, I got back into it last week and ran my 10 mile long run this past Sunday.  It went great!  But…the next day I was in PAIN.  My inner calf muscles (right along the tibia just a few inches above the ankle) have always been a problem—they’re the reason why I rock my HOT compression sleeves all the time—and they were super tight/knotty/painful Monday.  Letting my Type A personality get me carried away, I AGGRESSIVELY dug into them with my fingers, knuckles, and foam roller to try to break up the knots along the tibia.  I also got a deep tissue massage.  The next morning (Tuesday), I tried to run and had to stop after just a mile due to hip/IT discomfort and awful tibia pain.  I convinced myself that I had another tibial stress fracture and worked myself into an all-out hysterical frenzy by the time I walked the mile back to my car.  I’m talking tears, the works. 

Note to Self: Chill Out on the Self-Massage for now...

The Breakdown:

I’m sick of being injured.  I felt like I was following everyone’s advice: running only 3 days a week, increasing mileage 10% a week, taking rest days, stretching, icing, protein recovery drinks, calcium/magnesium supplements, etc. etc. etc.  Yet here I was injured again.  It wasn’t even so much a matter of being upset about the possibility of dropping out of my upcoming half-marathon as much as it was a devestation that maybe running is just not something I can do.  I was a wreck.  Major shout out to College Friend for consoling me on the phone and not making fun of me for having a reaction to running injury similar to others’ reactions to a death.  After calming down, I took the day and evening to reflect.  I looked back through my running log and thought hard about running, training, my goals, and what’s important to me.  

The Epiphanies:

Epiphany #1:  I suck at injury recovery and building a running base.

As I illustrated above, I jumped into both of my attempts at half-marathon training immediately after injuries and without building ANY sort of running base.  Yes, I’d run before, but both times I hadn’t been running at all before beginning training and dramatically increasing mileage.  Oops.

Epiphany #2: Running is more important to me than this race.

This is the big one.  A few weeks ago, I would have been devastated about missing this half-marathon.  I would have told you that, one way or another, I’d be crawling across that finish line.  Today, I’m feeling a lot differently.  When I was crying to College Friend, I sobbed to her that I just *love* running and, more than anything at else, just want to be able to run.  That’s all.  (That’s why the possibility of another stress fracture is pretty upsetting—stress fracture = no running AT ALL for at least 6 weeks, but probably longer…)  I decided that this race is just ONE RACE.  I want to be able to run for my LIFETIME, not ruin my body over 1 race when I’m 24. 

The Decision:

Since I have no way of knowing if my tibia is freaking out right now because of a stress fracture or because I got a little too carried away with my aggressive massage (seriously, it was BRUISED the next day…I know, I’m crazy), I’m resting and cross training right now.  My physical therapist suspects I don’t have a stress fracture because I have been able to do our strength exercises including leg press with no pain, and I passed the “hop test” (hop on one foot; if you can come down on the foot without pain upon impact, you probably don’t have a sfx).  But there is no way of knowing for sure quite yet—my primary care doctor had me wait for a few weeks last time before he would order an MRI, the best way of diagnosing a sfx since they don’t typically show up on a traditional xray.  So, right now I’m biking, swimming, continuing to strengthen, and all-around taking it easy.

When I return to running, it will NOT be immediately picking up a training plan.  I plan to take some time to gradually build a solid running base of maybe 6-8 miles a week before I move up from there.  As much as I love distance and racing, I want to remember what it’s like to run pain-free.  (What a concept!)  I want my legs and body to be STRONG before I ask that they start increasing distances.  When I DO start training for another half (which I have no doubt that I will, hopefully sooner than later, but that all depends on what this injury really is), I will follow the longest half training plan in existence.  My body just needs reeeeeally slow increases in mileage, it turns out.  And I’m okay with that.

At the end of the day, running is more important to me than any one race, and my body and health are more important to me than anything.  It’s time to stop making excuses, stop wallowing, and stop being a Stupid Runner.  I’m going to make SMART decisions regarding my running and my body from now on. 

When have you been a "stupid runner"?

How do you deal with injury?

Final Countdown

I admit, I have been MIA from the blog for the past few weeks!  It seems like I go through cycles where I'll feel super pulled-together and settled into the teaching routine for a week or two, then super stressed out (and not necessarily for any good reason) for a few weeks.  After a few crazy weeks, I'm feeling incredibly relaxed right now.  It's official, it is late May and we are heading into the home stretch:  2 weeks left of school, and only 7 1/2 days actually teaching kids.  It's surreal.  A part of me can't help but think of graduation last year and all the many emotions I was feeling:  happiness to be finished with class, sadness to be leaving college, excitement to be starting my career, complete heart brokenness to be leaving my friends, and in general a beautiful peaceful feeling about coming back home.  The end of my first year teaching is bringing with it a similar ambivalence (a word I taught my fifth graders last week, and am very pleased to report that they have since been using it in class discussions).

If I had one of those giant "How are you feeling today?" posters, I would mark the following emotions:

1. Jubilant: Oh yes, I am nothing if not excited.  Excited about sleeping in, minimal work this summer (just a few hours of tutoring a week), reading at least 10 books, vacations, and in general relaxing and recovering from the stress of the year.  I am thrilled that in a matter of weeks I will never be a first year teacher again. :)

2. Frazzled:  Ohh man, the end of the year is certainly crazy.  Assemblies right and left, miscellaneous "to do" things, trying to strike a delicate balance between cramming things in to make sure they are wrapped up before the last day, and stretch other things out so we have something to DO until the last day...in short, it is crazy.  This whole year has been an exercise in flexibility for me, the eternal planner, who has had to let go of some of my rigidity and learn to go with the flow a little bit...

3. Proud:  Looking at my students' MAP scores over the past few weeks, I am overwhelmed at how far a few of them have come.  I literally get tears in my eyes thinking about a few kids and their growth.  There's the student who almost made me quit this fall because of his horrible behavior problems who (while he is no means an angel...) I now look at and think, "You have come so far.  WE have come so far," and know that I am a better teacher because of him.  Then there's the student who asked me in September if I could teach him how to use periods in his writing, and while he's hardly on his way to a Pulitzer, 9 times out of 10 he uses punctuation correctly.  I am so proud of these children.  And honestly, I am proud of myself, as cheesy as that sounds.  In November, I never thought I'd make it to the end of the year.  And here it is!!! 

4. Wistful: While I am more than ready to say goodbye to some of my students, others I find it hard to imagine teaching without them in my class (especially that handful who were all that got me coming to school again so many days in fall).  I will never forget this class--the good, the bad, and the wonderful. :)

5. Shocked:  Some days I literally cannot believe that after the rocky start to the year, not only have I managed to survive, but I actually have a job for next year still and am excited to come back. :)

6. Content: These past few days I have felt so peaceful.  While there is still more I would have liked to have done for my kids, especially a certain few extra needy ones, I really feel that I can put my stamp on the end of this year and say, "I gave it all I had, and I am happy with what I have accomplished."


7. Anticipatory:  For the past few months, I have almost constantly been thinking about things I'd like to do next year.  This year it took me months to even figure out a routine, and I am STILL figuring out so many organizational and management things.  I know that every class is different, but I keep thinking about how much easier so many things will be next year, as well as how much better I will be next year.  I'm excited to try so many new things, especially writer's workshop, and love the fact that my job has fresh starts built right into it.

The past week and a half or so has been nothing if not therapeutic for me.  Although I have been a little stressed, I've had the opportunity to spend time with some of my best friends lately, and find myself almost nightly thinking about how blessed I am.

I'll update on the end of the year festivities/chaos in the next two weeks:  records day, field day, packing up the classroom (I am STILL cleaning out stuff from its previous occupant!), and saying goodbye.

The 1st Week Back

Last Sunday at this time I was sitting at home gradually getting more and more freaked out at the prospect of returning to school the following morning.  I'm not sure what did it, but I somehow managed to convince myself that during the 2 week break I had forgotten how to teach, the students would be a nightmare coming back to school, and the week would essentially be a trainwreck.  (Aren't I Miss Susie Sunshine?)  I tossed and turned all night and meticulously went over my lesson plans Monday morning, as nervous as I was the first day of school.  Why did I freak out this much?  I have no idea.  It's not like teaching is something you forget how to do.  So much of who I am is about teaching; why would I think that after a short two week vacation I would suddenly be inept? (Dear God, what will I be like next August after a 2 1/2 MONTH break??) 

Well, obviously I don't have to tell you my fears were unfounded.  This week actually went pretty great.  We spent a lot of time Monday morning reviewing classroom routines and procedures and going over our classroom rules.  The time was definitely well spent, and the kids were overall well-behaved this week.  Not perfect, but whose class is afterall. :)  Even my little challenge student seemed to be in good spirits.  He was testing me a lot Monday and Tuesday, but I just ignored any negative behavior and didn't let it get to me.  I guess I passed the test--at least for now! 

It's amazing how much more organized I feel about school.  I have a schedule that pretty much looks the same from week to week, I plan more in advanced and am able to avoid those horrible Monday morning copy rushes for the most part, and I have much fewer late nights at school.  (And late nights are now 6:30 or 7pm and not 10pm!  Even those 6:30 ones are rarer)  Basically, I just feel a little more in control.  There are still a million things that manage to go wrong allll the time, and some of the kids I still am not sure how to help or what to do with.  But...it's getting easier.  For sure.

Of course, over the coming weeks I am going to gradually become more and more on edge about ISATs...I already have taken down any superfluous posters to make room for all kinds of writing and math reminder posters, and I'm really not planning on teaching any science or social studies until late March...which breaks my heart to admit, but with both a writing test and a reading extended response to prepare for, it's going to be writing, writing, writing for the next month and a half.  But we WILL BE READY!

Anyways, I am hoping that this week goes as smoothly as last, and that this calm feeling keeps up.  It's refreshing...to actually enjoy teaching for a change. :)

I admit, that was a little dramatic...

Okay, I'm calm now. I know that that last post was a little dramatic, but that's how caught up in the whole thing I was feeling. My goal for myself and this child for next week:
stay calm. don't let him get to me. remember, he doesn't do it because he hates me. he needs my help whether he admits it or not. choose my battles.

Anyways, I am calm now, thanks to drinks and chips & salsa with a friend I don't see often enough last night. Thank goodness it's a long weekend--I need to pause and regroup. It's amazing though how the entire rest of this week was great. I'm feeling so much better about so many things. And then this one thing happens with one student and suddenly I feel like the worst teacher and person in the world.

Welcome to my crazy world of black-and-white thinking! Does that go hand in hand with perfectionism? Most likely. :) Oh well. My goal for the weekend is to take some school breaks. This morning's break is brunch with my girlfriends and I am determined to talk about many other things besides school! Then hitting the books this afternoon with some grading and planning. I'm actually looking forward to some of the planning, though, because I FINALLY came up with an idea for a social studies lesson that I actually like! It's a miracle. I thought this day would never come.

Anyways, if, after reading that last horrible post you thought I might be quitting, don't worry. That's crazy. I was just a little crazy yesterday. I'm much better now. Phew.

Annd...these final words on teaching: I cannot be the perfect teacher, but this does not mean I cannot be a good teacher. Tension with one student does not negate the relationships I have formed with 23 other students.

Off to brunch--spending time with people who are NOT teachers for a change! As much as I LOVE my teacher friends, I might need this :)

laughin and crying

Okay, I know I said I was going to bed, but I had a second wind and just wanted to share.

Some days I think, "Man, I wish that I had an easier job." Then, I stop myself and rephrase that: "I wish I wanted to have a job that was easier than teaching." It's weird because I don't want any other job--I just wish the job I did want were easier! Rock - me - hard place, I guess.

But anyways, I digress. Last night I was completely frustrated by so many, many things about school. Certain students making me crazy, school in general, just everything. I almost cried at lunch. Today, like I said, was much better. And even after a 14 hour day (including curriculum night), I'm in a great mood. Isn't it amazing how on a bad day I am ready to quit, and how on a good day I love love love my job?

This got me thinking. Sure, no other job has workers putting in countless hours of unpaid overtime. Most other jobs don't keep you up at night, give you nightmares, or make you cry. Few other jobs involve becoming so emotionally invested in your work that you are constantly thinking about it. But then again, how many other jobs can you leave after your 14 hour day and feel energized rather than exhausted? How many other jobs can you feel literally elated when a child tells you that you are a great teacher because you make learning fun? As I'm certainly learning, teaching is EMOTIONAL. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. But like I told my dad today, yes, I do wish my job were easier. But I know it's the job I'm meant to do, so I'm just going to keep doing my best and crossing my fingers that we all make it through the year and (hopefully) ALL learn something. :)

Tomorrow I will update on:
-daily 5 read to self
-table points
-curriculum night
-my grading dilemma

Pause and Regroup

This weekend was a continuation of my emotional rollercoaster, I'm afraid to say. Saturday morning as I glanced through the quizzes I gave the previous day and had my prediction that many had failed confirmed, as I wrote about two entries ago, my frustration began. After blogging, I tried to step away from thinking about school for awhile, and left the house. Unfortunately, school just followed me. Thankfully, Miss R consoled me for a good hour on the phone (I would be a disaster without you, Miss R!), and between her encouragement and a blended frozed green tea & mango cup of heaven from caribou, I was able to calm down and take my mind off things. I even allowed myself to go for a bike ride with a friend and see the outdoors for a change.

Today I am feeling a million times better. I have a plan for math this week, and I have accepted that I have to move on after another day going over this material. I know it will be okay, and I accept that I am doing my best. As I told Miss R, I have a long history of liking to be perfect at things immediately. It's sometimes hard for me to remember that most jobs have a learning curve, and of course, no one is perfect. I am trying to focus on one goal at a time, and tomorrow it will be math. Next week I will tackle reading when I start implementing Daily 5.

My aunt gave me a book this summer that was given to her years back by a student (yes, another teacher in the family, but this one no longer teaches). It's called Chalkdust: Prayer Meditations for Teachers. While I don't usually talk about this kind of thing, and especially not when it comes to teaching, I want to share one of the meditations here:

For the Slow Learner
Oh, Father,
this child is so slow,
and I am so impatient.
We are both trying hard,
and I desperately need to see some success.
If only I could see a little progress--
slow, plodding progress.
But the word he read yesterday
he can't read today.
The math concept he seemed to grasp yesterday
has slipped away today.
And somewhere inside me
Discouragement is moaning, "Give up."
Help me not to listen.
Help me instead to listen for your voice
reminding me of all the good and true things
I've learned about teaching.
Remind me that progress is more a spiral staircase
than a straight flight of steps;
that learning rarely moves at a heartening pace;
it is more likely to dip and double back,
and move on in little spurts of growth.
So help me, Father,
not to give up when we move so slowly
or stand still.
or even seem to slip backwards.
Give to me, and to this child,
the sure and steady faith to keep on trying.
But, Father,
when I grit my teeth and try so hard
that I am overcome with impatience,
let me hear your still, small voice saying,
"Relax!"

mood swings

It seems I am on a constant emotional rollercoaster when it comes to teaching these days. As I'm looking over the math quizzes my team gave yesterday, I am horrified to see that, after a week of teaching the same skill in many different ways, about half of my kids still have no idea what to do. I have taught the skill 3 different ways, used manipulatives, used drawings and visualization strategies, and worked with small groups of struggling kids before school. I don't know how else to teach this, and after about a week, I'm thinking it might be time to move on.

Last year, with my small group math during student teaching, I was able to teach and reteach until everyone grasped a concept. I did not give a quiz until I was positive that the kids would do excellently. However, not only was I working with a small group class of 10, but they were also my gifted learners, so we had no deadline or pacing guide to get through material--it was all enrichment anyways. I guess I got used to scoring 100% quizzes. Now, I'm not naive. I know that sometimes kids struggle with concepts. I struggled with math a lot as a child. But I know that I did a good job teaching them. I honestly am not sure what else to do for this.

I would spend another week on just this material if I were able, but I'm under pressure to finish chapter 1 at the same time as my team so that we can change up our classes for math. Do I try teaching it another way? Or do I move on?

I get so frustrated when I grade something and there are blank spaces. Kids, I struggeld in math as a child too. A LOT. I still struggle in math. But when there is a question that asks you to name a prime number, and you don't know the answer, TAKE A GUESS. Do not turn in your test half blank with "i didn't get it." written on the top.

I'm sorry. That probably sounds insensitive and like I don't understand learning disabilities, special needs, or my responsibility as a teacher. I do. I am just frustrated.

I never give up on my students--I know they are all capable of learning. But I honestly don't know what else to do about this.

1 down, a whole lot more to go

My first week is over, and my first weekend as a teacher is coming to a close. It was filled with catching up on sleep and hours upon hours of planning, but also some relaxing and catching up with friends.

After my down in the dumps post on Thursday, I'm happy to report that Friday morning I woke up with a renewed positive attitude and fresh optimism. I was excited to get to school, and had high hopes for the day. I talked with my kids about what went wrong on Thursday, and we resolved to make it a better day. It was so. much. better. After the centers disaster, we went back and just practiced quiet transitioning, not bothering to take out all the activities (baby steps). They nailed it this time. I'm still not sure they're ready for centers next week, but maybe in the near future we'll try practicing again.

It's amazing how this job plays with my emotions. When Thursday was rough, I was choking back tears all afternoon. But when Friday was better, I was happy as a clam after school. I once heard that really passionate people feel every emotion with an incredible intensity. The good things can bring you rapturous joy and the bad can bring you to your knees with frustration and despair. I guess that's certainly true for me when it comes to teaching. I also guess that it's better to have this rollercoaster of emotion because I'm doing something I'm so passionate about than have a career that may be easy, but that is void of emotion.

Anyways, after spending my entire weekend save a few hours planning, I think I am ready for the week. At least for reading. We'll see about those other subjects :) I have a hella lot of copies to make tomorrow morning, so I better get there nice and early so the other teachers don't crucify me. I'll update soon to share how my brilliantly thought out plan for teaching guided reading pans out in the real classroom, as opposed to the perfect classroom in my head :)